Archive for December, 2009


World Records

An Inspirational Piece of Toast.

Summary Claim Details

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Claim Title: Longest Time To Remember A Song You Had Forgotten
Country: United Kingdom
City/Town/Village: PRESTON
Date of attempt: 14/ 09/ 2009
Record Details:

Hi there!

How you doing?

I don’t know if you remember me, but I submitted a record claim a few years ago; Longest Time to Get a Joke, (‘where’s the soap’, as opposed to ‘wears the soap’? It wasn’t very good).

You didn’t accept it.

But, don’t worry. I’ve got another. It’s a whopper. You’re going to love it; The Longest Time To Remember A Song That You Had Forgotten. What do you think? Good, isn’t it?

Anyway, here’s the thing; when my mate Ed and I were around six years old, we had a band called The Brats. I know, it sounds like we’d be bloody fantastic but, trust me, we weren’t. Anyway, last week, (on the 14th) I was in the kitchen, I might have been unblocking the sink, though I’ve got a feeling toast was involved somehow. I’m not sure. Look, if it’s really important, let me know and I’ll have a good old think. Anyway, the point is, I started humming a song that Ed and I had written in The Brats! Ah ha! I mean, after a gap of thirty years of not knowing the song at all! That’s pretty amazing, isn’t it? I mean, I bet no one has ever, ever forgotten and then remembered a song after such a lengthy period of time. Well, obviously they haven’t, or I wouldn’t have the World Record for it, would I?

Anyway, I know how important authentication is to you Cats so, the other night, I was in the pub with Ed, and I started to sing the song, and he agreed; that was the song that I’d forgotten that we’d written in The Brats that I’d now remembered and, yes, it probably was The Longest Time To Remember A Song That You Had Forgotten, ever.

So, do I get the record?

Incidentally, if Ed submits a rival record claim, can I just say that, yes, whilst he did remember the song when I sang it, (which, technically, means that he’d forgotten it for two days longer than I had) he only remembered it when I sang it to him, and not independently. So I don’t think that should count. Just to be sure, if you do go with Ed on this, can I still have the record for the Longest Unsupported Act Of Remembering A Song After You’d Forgotten It? Which, I think, is more impressive.

Anyway, there you go. Thirty Years to remember a song I’d forgotten. Can I get the World Record now, please?

Thanks!

Simon

PS: The song was called ‘Thunder and Lightening’. It involved the Battle of Hastings. I’m not sure why.

Media:
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Claim ID: 279253
Membership Number: 246092

Dear Mr Simon Cordall,

Thank you for sending us the details of your recent record attempt for ‘Longest Time To Remember A Song You Had Forgotten’. We are afraid to say that we are unable to accept this as a Guinness World Record.

We receive over 60,000 enquiries a year from which only a small proportion are approved by our experienced researchers to establish new categories. These are not ‘made up’ to suit an individual proposal, but rather ‘evolve’ as a result of international competition in a field, which naturally accommodates superlatives of the sort that we are interested in. We think you will appreciate that we are bound to favour those that reflect the greatest interest.

Guinness World Records has absolute discretion as to which Guinness World Record applications are accepted and our decision is final. Guinness World Records may at its discretion and for whatever reason identify some records as either no longer monitored by Guinness World Records or no longer viable.

As your record application has not been accepted, Guinness World Records is in no way associated with the activity relating to your record proposal and we in no way endorse this activity. If you choose to proceed with this activity then this is will be of your own volition and at your own risk.

Once again thank you for your interest in Guinness World Records.

Yours sincerely,

Aleksandr Vypirailenko
Records Management Team

Ventriloquism

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: ventriloquists@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, 24 August, 2009 5:49:32 PM
Subject: Joining and Stuff!

Hola!
How are you? More importantly, how are you and your marvellous organisation?
Though that’s not to underestimate how important you are.
Anyway, I was looking through your website, (you really need more stuff on there, you know) and I couldn’t see much there for the UK. Which is a shame, because I’m really really keen, and I bet loads of other UK Ventriloquists are just as keen, (though probably not as good).
No, really. I’ve made my own puppet and everything. He’s called Sockie, (I made him out of a sock). I’m still struggling with the whole, ‘speaking without seeing my lips move’ bit, but – when practising in front of a mirror – have got round this by shutting my eyes.
Do lots of other ventriloquists use this technique? I can heartily recommend it. It is both simple, yet highly effective. If you like, you can put it in the latest edition of ‘Distant Voices’, so that other practitioners of the art can benefit. I bet blind people will be really good at it.
We could call it the ‘Cordall Technique’.
Anyway, if you can let me know what your UK operation bit is about, that would be a whopper. Supposing you haven’t really got much going on over here, well, maybe that’s something I could help out with. We could all have meetings at my flat! It would be fantastic! Everyone could bring their puppets, which would actually double the number of people present! Yahoo! … No. Hang on. That would also double the number of biscuits I’d need. No. Don’t worry. If it’s going to make this happen, I’ll bear the cost of the extra biscuits. Somethings must take precedence.
Anyway, there you go.
Simon – and Sockie!

Beauty

A Rhino

I noticed a few physical deficiencies upon and around my person, so decided to contact a highly reputable and distinguished clinic to see if they might help and assist.


From: SIMON CORDALL
To: tamara@beautyinprague.com
Sent: Thursday, 1 October, 2009 1:37:46 PM
Subject: Elective Surgery – Enquiry

Dear Beauty in Prague,

I was greatly hoping that you could assist me with what, I feel, must be a somewhat unique enquiry.

Whilst I do not regard myself as a particularly conceited individual, I think, like a lot of people, my outward appearance greatly influences how others view me and, consequently, perhaps how I in turn view myself. It has to be said, and I don’t think I’m being unduly harsh on myself when I say this, but I am not perhaps the most prepossessing of men. Indeed, in social circumstances, it is often the case that I am entirely overshadowed by my peers and that women, on occasion, appear to be utterly unaware of my presence. To this end, I was sincerely hoping that your professional services might allow me to apply a permanent solution to what has, thus far, been a temporary fix.

For some time now, in an attempt to boost the manly vigour of my outward appearance, I have been gluing a Rhino’s Horn to my forehead. To my mind, and I don’t think I’m alone in this, the sheer, raw masculinity of the Rhino’s Horn imbues upon its wearer something of the earthy, unchecked, muscularity of the Rhino itself.

However, as you can imagine, gluing a Rhino’s Horn to your forehead is not as uncomplicated a proposition as you might first surmise. Weight, for instance, plays a critical role in this, as does the type of glue involved. Thus far, and with the careful application of various industrial adhesives, I have only managed to secure a smaller, 5 inch, Rhino Horn to my forehead with any hope of reliability. In light of this, I have, quite reasonably concluded, that only surgery will allow me to secure a Rhino Horn of sufficient size and grandeur as to suitably impress upon the observer the sheer scale of my rampant masculinity.

After having given the matter a great deal of thought, I have devised two possible surgical solutions to this matter, which I would now ask you to consider. The first would be to screw the base of the Rhino Horn into the front of my skull. The surrounding tissue could then be severed and the loose ‘flaps’ pulled up over the base of the Rhino Horn, thus veiling the join and providing a more natural look to the wearer. Naturally, and I imagine as you have already surmised, the depth of the bone in my forehead would, in turn, provide an equal limit to the depth of screw used and, consequently, the size of Rhino Horn that could be reliably supported in this manner.

However, my second proposal, whilst perhaps a little more invasive, might well secure for us a permanent solution to this conundrum. As I am very sure you are aware, it has long been possible to remove the top of the skull, thus allowing the surgeon access to the brain and its chamber. In the case of securing a Rhino Horn of sufficient size and scale as to make this process worthwhile, allowing access to the brain’s chamber would also free us to insert bolts through the forehead, thus providing us with an infinitely more secure foundation upon which to secure a Rhino’s Horn. Naturally, like all more radical solutions to any problem, this does not come without its disadvantages. For instance, it may be that the bolts might interfere with the functionality of the forward areas of my brain. However, after having conducted some preliminary research into this area – by sitting in a dark room, shutting my eyes, thinking strenuously, and trying to sense where the majority of my thoughts were taking place – I am confident that no significant amount of thinking occurs in this region of my brain. I am, therefore, quite willing to proceed upon this basis.

I sincerely hope that you will not take offence by what I am sure to you are childlike ponderings on this matter or, in any way, regard this as an affront to the technical knowledge, skill, professionalism and creativity of you and your surgical team who, I am sure, are more than capable of devising their own scheme for affixing a Rhino Horn to my forehead. In any event, I thank you for your kind consideration in this matter and look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall