From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: info@bfkm.de
Sent: Saturday, 14 November, 2009 19:07:02
Subject: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Dear Sirs,

I was reviewing your excellent website, featuring details of next year’s International Dance World Cup, and was disappointed to note that there was no indication that Britain had yet to submit an entry.

I am unaware if you are currently in discussions with any other British Dance Association. However, assuming that you are not, and with all sense of humility, I would be grateful if you would consider this as an official application on behalf of Team Great Britain . In truth, I feel it is essential that Britain be represented in your illustrious competition, for the sake of our national dignity, pride and self image. We are an island nation, it is true. However, perhaps more so, we are a proud nation. Ultimately, we are a nation of dancers. We have a long and proud history of dance, of an Empire built upon our Do Se Do and wars waged and won on the strength of our Pase Double.

As the initial applicant, I would be grateful if, henceforth, you would regard me as Captain of Team GB. Whilst I would consider myself as a relatively versatile dancer, my focus has always been on Tap. It is in this field that, I feel, my achievements and experience to date qualify me both to represent my country, as well as lead the national squad. At age thirteen I was lucky enough to be crowned Champion of the NorthWest Inter-club competition, ‘Hoofing across the North’. My later teenage years saw me successful compete in the European Tap Competition, ‘Je Com Pon Tap’, (light middleweight division) and my ‘Double Mixie’ has been described in ‘On Tap’, the journal of the International Tap Association, as having the grace of a ‘latter day Nureyev’, with the ‘sublime power of a young Gene Kelly’.

Indeed, the loss of my left leg in a vicious ornithology related accident at age twenty one has not, in any way, dimmed my tapping ambition. Rather, I have simply adapted my style to suit my new omni-legged circumstances. For instance, my famed, ‘Double Mixie’ is now very much of the Single variety. Over the subsequent years, I have come to regard myself as having moved very much from the ‘lead,’ to the ‘rhythm section’ of the Tapping World. That is to say, whilst other tap dancers may well enjoy the, ‘Clickerty, clckerty, jangly, slap, slap’ of contemporary tap dancing, I have come to celebrate the simpler, ‘Ker-thump. Kerr-thump. Kerr-thump’ of our art.

Whilst I am unable to provide concrete details of all of Team GB at present, I feel that the make up of our National Squad should reflect the optimism and dynamism of a vibrant 21st century Britain. To this end, I would confirm it as my intention to recruit, at least two, unemployed teenagers to fill the ranks of Team GB Ideally, one of these would be a single mother and both should boast impressive criminal records. If you could also provide details of any section, or discipline, which might benefit from the involvement of a Renault Clio, that would be gratefully appreciated.

Furthermore, I don’t think any representation of Great Britain would be complete without the firm inclusion of a morbidly obese child. Naturally, dancing activities for the obese child would have to be very limited, for health/tantrum reasons. Indeed, might I ask if you would consider an entry into any dance section that had been made via Play Station, as equal to an entry from a dancer who had actually turned up?

My pal, Ed, might also be interested in representing Great Britain in your august competition. Whilst Ed has yet to show any interest or ability in the field of Dance, I do know that he is very interested in the World Cup and would therefore be able to provide us with invaluable technical details, such as when a particular move is off side, or when we are expected to dance into Extra Time.

Lastly, I will be looking to the experience and professionalism of the ladies of the Preston Gentlemen’s’ Club, ‘A Perfect Ten’ to flesh out our ranks, (no pun or innuendo intended).

To summarize therefore, the proposed Team GB will consist of; Me. My mate Ed. A morbidly obese child. Two chavs and a collection of lap Dancers, (exact numbers to be confirmed).

I thank you for your consideration and I am confident that you, like me, are looking forward to a successful 2010 Dance World Cup.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

From: Korinna <xxxx@korinna.de>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Wednesday, 18 November, 2009 21:31:01
Subject: Re: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry

Dear Mr. Cordall,

Sorry for not having answered to your E-mail any quicker. There is a national qualifying comeptition for schools and dance groups from the United Kingdom. This will take place on the island Guernsey in March 2010. It would be nice to see your dancers there.

Where is your dance group or school located?

With kind regards,
Korinna Soehn
http://www.hellasdance.de

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Korinna <xxxx@korinna.de>
Sent: Thursday, 19 November, 2009 14:32:45
Subject: Re: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Thank you very much for your kind response, Korinna..

In answer to your question, rather than consider ourselves a school or group, we, the members of the ‘Great Simundo and His Jiving Clod Hoppers’ prefer to think of ourselves as members of a ‘troupe’. Yes, it may appear a little old fashioned in these modern times, but then, I suppose, we are at heart an old fashioned kind of school.

We can be found at the very heart of culture in contemporary Britain , indeed, right at the very fulcrum of the UK arts scene; Preston . Yes, Paris might have its Montmartre and New Orleans its Bourbon Street , however, Preston’s legendary ‘ Plungington Road ‘ is still discussed in hushed tones within the global artistic cognoscenti.

However, before proceeding any further, may I ask for clarification on one point? That is, after qualifying during the heats on Guernsey, would we, officially, be allowed to refer to ourselves as Team GB? I stress this as we’ve already started work on the uniforms.

I happen to know that my pal, Ed, has spent the last few days in his shed, working on the Special Hats he has devised for the competition, (Ed’s quite the engineering ‘wizz’). My understanding is that the intended Special Hats are to be almost sombrero like in aspect, (though with a flat brim). The head piece of the Special Hat will be white and will feature representations of historical British figures, such as St George, Winston Churchill and Giles Brandreth. This part of the Special Hat will be ‘ Britain ‘. Stretching away from, and around, ‘ Britain ’ will be the brim of the Special Hat, which Ed intends to decorate with representations of our competing global partners. A jackboot and kosh, for instance, will be used to celebrate Germany ‘s long and proud history of militarism and aggression. Adjacent to that, Ed will be using a White Flag to show France ‘s long and proud history of surrendering in the face of German militarism and aggression, and so on and so forth. In an ingenious move, Ed has also converted a ‘Party Popper’ into a functioning model cannon. This is then fixed to the very top of the Special Hat, ( Britain ) and, by use of a string and pulley system, can be rotated and used to fire grapeshot at the other featured countries. We feel that, as well as providing a welcome distraction for the other National Teams; our Special Hats will also serve to encapsulate the friendly spirit of the competition.

I trust the above will meet with your approval and I look forward to hearing details of the Guernsey heats as soon as is practical.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall
Captain; Team GB

From: Ballettfoerderkreise e.V. <xxxx@bfkm.de>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 19 November, 2009 16:41:54
Subject: Re: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry

Dear Mr. Cordall,

Thank you for all your interest. As a matter of fact there will be many schools, groups, troupes coming to participate in the Guernsey qualifying competition. Those that will become first or second will be qualified to participate in the Dance World Cup in Sardinia.

So before thinking of a Team GB I would suggest you to concentrate on the national qualifying comeptition.

Please send your precise entries to Mrs. Helen Racjan danceworldcup@aol.co.uk , and she will explain you all details. In the rules of the competition at http://www.hellasdance.de you may read what information is required for registration.

With kind regards,
Korinna Soehn

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Ballettfoerderkreise e.V. <xxxx@bfkm.de>
Sent: Thursday, 19 November, 2009 16:50:25
Subject: Re: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
That’s fantastic. We’ll get right on it!

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall
Captain: Team GB, (pending)

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: danceworldcup@aol.co.uk
Sent: Sunday, 29 November, 2009 23:44:19
Subject: Fw: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Dear Mrs Helen Racjan,

How are you?

I have been asked by the, very nice and helpful, Korinna Soehn to send you the precise details of my entries.

Our team, which, for the sake of argument, we may as well call “Team GB”, is very much a multidisciplinary unit. Really, our dancing styles and idioms are as varied as the colours of the rainbow. Though there’s only seven of them.

As you can see below, Team GB is very much representative of the dynamic and forward looking nature of current British society, (another reason why we should be; Team GB). Thus far and at the tine of writing we have; two unemployed teenagers, (one a single Mother) some lap dancers, an obese child, a 2003 1.1 Renault Clio, plus myself’ an established, award winning and highly respected Tap Dancer, (albeit of the Mono Legged disposition), Given the wide demographic mix of Team GB and the intricacies of each individual competitor’s own entry, I think it best if we deal with each individually.

Two Unemployed Teenagers
After some very lengthy discussions, strenuous debate and a great deal of thought, our two unemployed teenagers were standing outside the local ‘Haddows’, for no obvious reason, when they decided they may as well do their act together. In the main, as this will save on babysitting money, (as her Mum can only do it so often and spends all the money she gets on fags anyway).

Furthermore, I’m sure you will be delighted to hear, that our two Unemployed Teenagers will require little, or no, technical support. Their music, for instance, will be broadcast directly from their phone, (modern mobile phones can do this. Amazing, I know) and their costumes have already been sourced via Wigan ‘s ‘JJB Sport’. Their act, which is quite original, sees them shuffling in stalled, jerky movements to any anonymous ‘House Track’, (it’s a form of music that’s very popular amongst the young people. It’s a little like ‘Let’s Get Ready To Rumble’, by the pop group, PJ and Duncan).

Before progressing further, I have assured our male Unemployed Teenager, Daz, that I would ask if it would be possible for him to smoke during their performance, or, as he has it “the magic’s pure no happening without a doobie. Know what I mean, yer one legged bawbag?”

A 2003 1.1 Renault Clio
Daz has also inquired if, given his proficiency at something called a ‘Hand Brake Turn’, might his Renault Clio also be considered for entry? Apparently, Daz feels that this might be quite effective if accompanied by “that music from that film. You know, it’s got spaceships in it. But there’s, like, monkeys in it too. They go into Space, not the monkeys, people do, and spaceships all dock and stuff. Well, the music from that bit. It’s all classical, like that opera, y’know. It’s got an evil computer called ‘Dave’ in it”.

Which I feel is self explanatory.

An Obese Child
Unfortunately, our obese child’s entry has been somewhat delayed. He assured us that he had been training in earnest for the event on something called a ‘Wii Fit’. Sadly, what we assumed to be a spelling error on his part, turned out to be quite accurate, and it now seems that he has, in fact, been busily training on something called a ‘Wii Fat’. Whilst his dance skills haven’t progressed a great deal, I am told he has now reached Level 10 on ‘Baker: The Art of Piecraft’, and is quite the wizz at ‘Pastry Counter Hero’.

Some Lap Dancers

Whilst, of course, we are very grateful for the enthusiasm shown by the ladies of Preston ‘s foremost Gentlemen’s Club, A Perfect Ten, I am not entirely sure if their particular form of dance is suited to this competition. However, please rest assured that I am not hurrying to dismiss their application off hand. Indeed, I spent five hours in A Perfect Ten last night, and will be visiting again, (on Wednesday) before making any final decision.

You can find details of my act below, I’m not really one to blow my own trumpet, (not least because it upsets my balance)

In any event, I trust that this clarifies matters. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall
Captain; Team GB

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: danceworldcup@aol.co.uk
Sent: Sunday, 6 December, 2009 22:53:59
Subject: Fw: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Mrs Helen Racjan?

Hello?

My entries?

(I just had a lobster for dinner. It was fantastic)

(Sorry, I meant to say that I ate a Lobster for my dinner, not that one was my guest for dinner. That would be ridiculous)

My entries?

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: danceworldcup@aol.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 10 December, 2009 14:11:16
Subject: Fw: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Mrs Helen Racjan?

Are we, as Phil Collins put it, Dancing in to the Light, or are we just Dancing in the Dark, (Phil Collins didn’t do that one)

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall; Who May Never Dance Again.