A Rhino

I noticed a few physical deficiencies upon and around my person, so decided to contact a highly reputable and distinguished clinic to see if they might help and assist.


From: SIMON CORDALL
To: tamara@beautyinprague.com
Sent: Thursday, 1 October, 2009 1:37:46 PM
Subject: Elective Surgery – Enquiry

Dear Beauty in Prague,

I was greatly hoping that you could assist me with what, I feel, must be a somewhat unique enquiry.

Whilst I do not regard myself as a particularly conceited individual, I think, like a lot of people, my outward appearance greatly influences how others view me and, consequently, perhaps how I in turn view myself. It has to be said, and I don’t think I’m being unduly harsh on myself when I say this, but I am not perhaps the most prepossessing of men. Indeed, in social circumstances, it is often the case that I am entirely overshadowed by my peers and that women, on occasion, appear to be utterly unaware of my presence. To this end, I was sincerely hoping that your professional services might allow me to apply a permanent solution to what has, thus far, been a temporary fix.

For some time now, in an attempt to boost the manly vigour of my outward appearance, I have been gluing a Rhino’s Horn to my forehead. To my mind, and I don’t think I’m alone in this, the sheer, raw masculinity of the Rhino’s Horn imbues upon its wearer something of the earthy, unchecked, muscularity of the Rhino itself.

However, as you can imagine, gluing a Rhino’s Horn to your forehead is not as uncomplicated a proposition as you might first surmise. Weight, for instance, plays a critical role in this, as does the type of glue involved. Thus far, and with the careful application of various industrial adhesives, I have only managed to secure a smaller, 5 inch, Rhino Horn to my forehead with any hope of reliability. In light of this, I have, quite reasonably concluded, that only surgery will allow me to secure a Rhino Horn of sufficient size and grandeur as to suitably impress upon the observer the sheer scale of my rampant masculinity.

After having given the matter a great deal of thought, I have devised two possible surgical solutions to this matter, which I would now ask you to consider. The first would be to screw the base of the Rhino Horn into the front of my skull. The surrounding tissue could then be severed and the loose ‘flaps’ pulled up over the base of the Rhino Horn, thus veiling the join and providing a more natural look to the wearer. Naturally, and I imagine as you have already surmised, the depth of the bone in my forehead would, in turn, provide an equal limit to the depth of screw used and, consequently, the size of Rhino Horn that could be reliably supported in this manner.

However, my second proposal, whilst perhaps a little more invasive, might well secure for us a permanent solution to this conundrum. As I am very sure you are aware, it has long been possible to remove the top of the skull, thus allowing the surgeon access to the brain and its chamber. In the case of securing a Rhino Horn of sufficient size and scale as to make this process worthwhile, allowing access to the brain’s chamber would also free us to insert bolts through the forehead, thus providing us with an infinitely more secure foundation upon which to secure a Rhino’s Horn. Naturally, like all more radical solutions to any problem, this does not come without its disadvantages. For instance, it may be that the bolts might interfere with the functionality of the forward areas of my brain. However, after having conducted some preliminary research into this area – by sitting in a dark room, shutting my eyes, thinking strenuously, and trying to sense where the majority of my thoughts were taking place – I am confident that no significant amount of thinking occurs in this region of my brain. I am, therefore, quite willing to proceed upon this basis.

I sincerely hope that you will not take offence by what I am sure to you are childlike ponderings on this matter or, in any way, regard this as an affront to the technical knowledge, skill, professionalism and creativity of you and your surgical team who, I am sure, are more than capable of devising their own scheme for affixing a Rhino Horn to my forehead. In any event, I thank you for your kind consideration in this matter and look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall