Sent: Wednesday, 14 October, 2009 4:00:20 PM
Subject: Elective Surgery – Addendum

Dear Beauty in Prague,

I refer to my correspondence of 1st October, ( Elective Surgery – Enquiry) and am disappointed that I have yet to hear from you on this matter.

However, whilst my disappointment over the tardiness of any reply remains acute, I regret that I am, in equal measure, unsurprised by the lack of response on your part. Indeed, after reviewing my previous correspondence, there are a number of areas that, I feel, undermine the value of fitting a Rhino Horn to my forehead as a worthwhile proposition. Chief amongst these, it has to be said, is the lack of practical application, (other than self defence) of fitting a Rhino’s Horn to your head in the manner previously described.

With this in mind, and after a period of grave and solemn reflection, I have chosen to augment my initial request. That is, in addition to my Rhino’s Horn, I would ask your indulgence in giving due considerations to certain other , practical, alterations to my visage? Principally, considerations with reference to the present positioning of my ears. For many years now, my ears have remained stubbornly located on either side of my head. That is, by way of clarification, each individual lobe can be located at, roughly, a ninety degree axis from the point of my nose. In practical terms, this cannot be said to be a satisfactory arrangement. On the contrary, I feel my hearing would be greatly enhanced by giving both my ears what we may term a ‘roaming brief’, as averse to their current, purely stationary, role. That is, rather than their current fixed location, my ears would take on a more portable aspect, thus allowing me to hear in a ‘multi-directional’ manner, gifting me access to all manner of auditory stimuli at all points of the compass.

In achieving the above aim, may I suggest that my current ears be, temporarily, removed and fixed to a length of flexible hose, (I would suggest this be approximately three feet in length). The other end of such hoses being then grafted on to the vacant ear holes to be found lying, naked, on either side of my head. To this arrangement, I would then propose a semi-flexible support arm be affixed, (such as the arm to be found supporting the modern day ‘Angle Poise Lamp’), this would then lend my “Ear Tubes” a degree of rigidity, whilst still allowing them to be positioned at a variety of angles and positions of my choosing according to circumstance.

I understand that, on an initial reading, the above suggestion may appear a little drastic in its scope. However, I feel that these measures are entirely in proportion to the benefits to be gained from repositioning my ears in such a fashion. Whilst examples of the gains to be made from the reconsideration of my ‘lobal geography’ are too numerous to be listed here, I would ask your indulgence in at least giving some thought to the following; When standing at the rear of an educational lecture or, in the case of our young people, perhaps a ‘pop’ concert, the wearer of such surgically augmented ears could position their lobes above the height of the crowd and, in doing so, greatly enhance the benefit of attending such an event.

Similarly, old people, who might experience some discomfort in bending down, could pay avid attention to the cheery ramblings of a small, rosy cheeked, child and their tall tales of ‘scrumping’ for apples, or wild adventures lived out on sun dappled evenings, spent in careless revelry amidst endless fields of rolling hay.

Moreover, and as you no doubt have already surmised, such a procedure would also be of immeasurable benefit to the Police, and other security agencies, in enabling their agents to covertly listen in on the intimate and secretive communications of criminals and other ‘ner do wells’. Perhaps this could best be achieved by positioning an ear around the corner from which an agent was stood, or, perhaps by positioning an ear, surreptitiously, under a park bench on which likely villains might later unsuspectingly seek rest. I don’t know.

Lastly, there is the clear and evident appeal such a proposition would hold for our young people. Modern days ‘hippies’, for instance, could remove their Angle Poised Support Arms and wear their ears loose and flowing, in the same manner that they presently do their hair; thus gaining the immediate admiration and awe of their peer group. Similarly, ‘Teddy Boys’ could use their ears to augment the most ambitious of quiffs, without losing any material loss in the practical advantages of having undergone this procedure.

There are also the advantages of having valves fitted to each Ear Tube, allowing the wearer to set them to the ‘Off’ position.

I am confident that, whilst the above will be of interest to you, there are many areas you still feel might benefit from further discussion. I am, of course, entirely at your disposal in answering any queries you may have over the benefits of such a procedure and, of course, am ready to reassure you over any lingerings doubts you may have over the efficacy of such an alteration.

Best regards and I look forward to hearing from you shortly,

Simon S. Cordall