Sent: Thursday, 5 November, 2009 15:35:05
Subject: Some Thoughts on the Current Situation

Dear Daily Mail,

My wife and I were watching television, (or ‘gogglebox’ as we call it in our house!) when a rather distressing charity appeal for Dogs Trust was broadcast. The appeal in question was voiced by the actor Christopher Timothy. I’m not sure if you remember him, he was James Herriot in the fantastic television serial, All Creatures Great and Small. It was an excellent choice, as I remarked to my wife at the time, as many of the values celebrated in All Creatures Great and Small; the respect for authority, the love of animals and the value of a well ordered and structured society where everyone knows their place, are also the values that charities such as Dogs Trust will need to appeal to if they are to make a success of their work.

Whilst my wife was distressed by some of the harrowing images of dogs in the appeal by Dogs Trust, I commented that it was only correct that we address the issue of canine neglect in our country. Indeed, as a nation, are we not renowned for our love of animals? After all, is it not possible to judge the worth of our society by the care we extend to our four legged friends? If we can agree that this is the case, then I must suggest, that our nation is sadly found to be wanting.

The images of these poor, neglected dogs, slinking within the shadows of a derelict, post-industrial wasteland, their greasy, matted, stinking fur, worn thin and balding, their torsos deformed by the grim buttresses of rib and sinew that poked through their flea ridden, ulcerous skins, naturally turned my mind to the issue of East European Immigration and the tsunami of Bogus Asylum Seekers that presently engulf our country. .

I think we can all agree that, like the starving dog, both the East European and the Bogus Asylum Seeker, in seeking to meet their venal and corrupt ends, are creatures naturally given to criminality. Whether this is a matter of nature or nurture, I cannot tell. However, what is beyond dispute is that this is a breed with a natural inclination to lying, cheating, prostitution and violence.

Indeed, only last week, whilst on a train journey to Southampton, my wife occupied a recently vacated seat; only to later discover that the seat in question had previously been occupied by a Slovak. Given the level of enforced intimacy between the train’s seat, my wife’s seat and the seat of the previously recumbent Slav, is this not almost certainly tantamount to sexual assault?

Having established the natural propensity of both the East European and the Bogus Asylum Seeker towards criminality, we are obviously put in mind of the problems of ‘identification’. That is, how we establish a clear demarcation between the plucky and right thinking Brit, (the like of which won the war) and the intrinsically duplicitous and treacherous character of the East European and Bogus Asylum Seeker.

Which is where the dogs come in.

As referred to both previously and by Christopher Timothy, would it not be an act of supreme kindness, given their present state of distress, to organize the mass extermination of all our stray and criminally neglected dogs? This would then free their bodies for other practical purposes; both scientific, medical and, in this case, cultural. After much consideration, I would posit the removal of the furry faces of our deceased canine friends and their subsequent transplantation, (by means of staple) on to the faces of all Bogus Asylum Seekers, as well as the faces of our newly arrived Partners from Eastern Europe .

Of course, whilst this may sound a little radical, it would, in one swift blow, immediately remove the dual problem of Migrant/Bogus Asylum Seeker identification, as well as alleviating the sufferings of our treasured and beloved canine friends.

It is true that whilst an individual can change their name and may well adopt the accent of their assumed country, is it not a lot more troublesome to remove the bloodied carapace of a dead dog once it had been firmly stapled onto their own? Consider, if you will, the pandemic of prostitution and sex criminals that have, naturally, followed upon the heels of the recent wave of Eastern European immigration and overwhelming flood of Bogus Asylum Seekers. Now, ask yourself, how appealing the fetid, venal and rank offerings of such vile prostitutes would be when accompanied by the bloodied and ravaged face of a butchered dachshund? Moreover, and in similar fashion, the efforts of our Police Force, (who do an excellent job) would be hugely alleviated by the increased ease with which these natural criminals would be identified. Line Ups, for instance, would be greatly simplified were the guilty party to have been previously fitted with the bloodied, stinking and rotten visage of, say, a Pekinese?

Yes, there are those that will suggest this is a step too far and, yes, there are those that may even accuse me of madness. However, I think you’ll find that your readers, right thinking people everywhere and Christopher Timothy all agree that these steps, whilst bold, have now been forced upon us.

In truth, I can envisage of no other practical alternative to the current situation.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall