Sent: Tuesday, 8 December, 2009 11:40:43
Subject: Covert Military Assault/Spar’s Horseradish Sauce

Dear Mr Anders Fogh Anderson,

How are you? Or, as you say in Denmark, “Hoe bent u?”

I’m sorry for contacting you directly. I know how busy you must be, what with running NATO and everything. However, I really think I’ve hit upon something.

I live a long way away from you, in the thriving modern metropolis and artistic hub they call ‘Preston’ in ‘ Lancashire ‘. My wife and I were having our Sunday tea the other night, (because it was a Sunday). Anyway, my wife was making – my favourite – Yorkshire Pudding, (even though Preston’s in  Lancashire and Yorkshire Pudding’s not really a pudding at all!). Anyway, my wife noticed that we were out of Horseradish Sauce and subsequently dispatched me to the local ‘Spar’ to purchase a delicious jar of the same at once and forthwith.

Anyway, (I have gone right round the houses, haven’t I?) I was in Spar and unable to locate the condiment in question, when I was directed to the particular and specific shelf by a young lady who worked there. I think she might have been called ‘Portia’, I’m not sure. Is ‘Fiat’ a name? Anyway, I was standing directly in front of the shelf I had been directed to, which had been definitely confirmed to hold the Horseradish Sauce I sought. Yet, the more I looked, the less able I was to identify the spicy relish in question. Moreover and furthermore, after having already once consulted the young lady, (Volkswagen Passat?) I was reluctant to do so a second time, particularly after I had been seen visibly standing in front of the shelf that had definitely and positively been confirmed to hold, amongst others, the jar of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce whose purchase I had been entrusted with. Anyway, after staring blankly at the shelf in question for a good five minutes, I suddenly became acutely and embarrassingly aware of how long I had been stood, perfectly still and trancelike, staring blankly at the shelf in front of me., (it’s possible my mouth might have been open a little bit, too) Anyway, after having reached this terrifying moment of perfect clarity and self awareness, I then began to look franticly in a seeing frenzy of frenzied panic, at the row upon row of anonymous jars, pickles, sauces and condiments that lay in regiment and uniform order upon the shelf in front of me, before desperately grabbing a jar of Pickled Onions, (I don’t know why they’re on that shelf. They’re not even a sauce) and buying them instead. Consequently avoiding giving the impression to any onlooker that I might, in fact, be ‘a little odd’. I then stopped off at Asda on the way back and bought the Horseradish Sauce there.

Now, while I’m sure you’re sympathetic to the plight as outlined above, it’s relevance to maintaining the military security of  Western Europe might not be immediately apparent. However, bear with me. It’s really important.

I was driving back from Asda, (see above) and considering the whys, the wherefores and the whats raised by the whole Spar’s Horseradish Sauce debacle when it suddenly occurred to me; Indeed, looking back and rereading the paragraph above, there is only one conclusion that it is humanely possible to draw; Spar’s Horseradish Sauce must contain special ‘Invisible Qualities’.  That is, whilst the Horseradish Sauce is there and present on the shelf, it remains entirely elusive to the human eye. So, and this is what they call ‘thinking outside the box’, if a jar of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce can be invisible, why not a tank? Why not a squadron of tanks? My, why not an entire Infantry Battalion?

Now, of course, I ‘m not mental. I don’t think that solid matter can actually be made ‘invisible’. No, what I’m saying is that Spar’s Horseradish Sauce contains a very special quality. That is, the ability to have an observer look in absolutely any direction other than the one the sauce is in, thus rendering them paralyzed by the utter confusion of it all. Paralyzed that is, until the level of embarrassment becomes so acute they will select any nearby purchase; irrespective of any practical/commercial/Pudding concern. Now, stretch your mind, and imagine these qualities when applied to a NATO Taskforce. See where I’m going? Now, go one further and imagine the actual Horseradish Sauce, physically, applied to a NATO Taskforce! No, seriously, I really believe this could work. We could paint all our tanks and planes with it and, though they might take a little persuading, we’d also have to entirely immerse our soldiers with Spar’s Horseradish Sauce, too. Imagine the advantages in combat! They’d be practically invisible! It would be exactly like one of those ‘cloaking devices’ you see in Science Fiction, only real and with a vegetable/vinegar base.

Try and imagine the total befuddlement the application of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce to our troops might cause enemy gun emplacements and missile systems.  Of course, I’m not claiming that this won’t result in any collateral damage. I mean, of course, after staring blankly, (perhaps making a little drool) at our troop positions, enemy gunners will, naturally, feel the need to fire at anything at all, whatsoever; just so they don’t look a bit ‘weird’.

Of course, this is not to rule out contributions from other pickles and sauces. Our troops might, for instance, benefit from coating themselves in a tasty and nutritious relish such as “Piccalilli‘’, when considering Desert Warfare. Alternatively, I would suggest we lend due thought to the application of Coleslaw when undertaking Jungle Warfare, (though this has yet to be researched).

In any event, I trust that this will be of interest. Should you require a jar of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce, I will have my wife purchase one forthwith and dispatch it to your address in  Brussels at once. I should, perhaps, add that my wife has the uncanny ability to recognize any sauce, condiment or pickle on any shelf and at any time. However, I would assure you that my wife is not, to the best of my knowledge, currently in negotiations with any alien enemy power.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Best regards,

Simon S, Cordall