Tag Archive: idiot


NATO

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx.xxxx@hq.nato.int
Sent: Tuesday, 8 December, 2009 11:40:43
Subject: Covert Military Assault/Spar’s Horseradish Sauce

Dear Mr Anders Fogh Anderson,

How are you? Or, as you say in Denmark, “Hoe bent u?”

I’m sorry for contacting you directly. I know how busy you must be, what with running NATO and everything. However, I really think I’ve hit upon something.

I live a long way away from you, in the thriving modern metropolis and artistic hub they call ‘Preston’ in ‘ Lancashire ‘. My wife and I were having our Sunday tea the other night, (because it was a Sunday). Anyway, my wife was making – my favourite – Yorkshire Pudding, (even though Preston’s in  Lancashire and Yorkshire Pudding’s not really a pudding at all!). Anyway, my wife noticed that we were out of Horseradish Sauce and subsequently dispatched me to the local ‘Spar’ to purchase a delicious jar of the same at once and forthwith.

Anyway, (I have gone right round the houses, haven’t I?) I was in Spar and unable to locate the condiment in question, when I was directed to the particular and specific shelf by a young lady who worked there. I think she might have been called ‘Portia’, I’m not sure. Is ‘Fiat’ a name? Anyway, I was standing directly in front of the shelf I had been directed to, which had been definitely confirmed to hold the Horseradish Sauce I sought. Yet, the more I looked, the less able I was to identify the spicy relish in question. Moreover and furthermore, after having already once consulted the young lady, (Volkswagen Passat?) I was reluctant to do so a second time, particularly after I had been seen visibly standing in front of the shelf that had definitely and positively been confirmed to hold, amongst others, the jar of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce whose purchase I had been entrusted with. Anyway, after staring blankly at the shelf in question for a good five minutes, I suddenly became acutely and embarrassingly aware of how long I had been stood, perfectly still and trancelike, staring blankly at the shelf in front of me., (it’s possible my mouth might have been open a little bit, too) Anyway, after having reached this terrifying moment of perfect clarity and self awareness, I then began to look franticly in a seeing frenzy of frenzied panic, at the row upon row of anonymous jars, pickles, sauces and condiments that lay in regiment and uniform order upon the shelf in front of me, before desperately grabbing a jar of Pickled Onions, (I don’t know why they’re on that shelf. They’re not even a sauce) and buying them instead. Consequently avoiding giving the impression to any onlooker that I might, in fact, be ‘a little odd’. I then stopped off at Asda on the way back and bought the Horseradish Sauce there.

Now, while I’m sure you’re sympathetic to the plight as outlined above, it’s relevance to maintaining the military security of  Western Europe might not be immediately apparent. However, bear with me. It’s really important.

I was driving back from Asda, (see above) and considering the whys, the wherefores and the whats raised by the whole Spar’s Horseradish Sauce debacle when it suddenly occurred to me; Indeed, looking back and rereading the paragraph above, there is only one conclusion that it is humanely possible to draw; Spar’s Horseradish Sauce must contain special ‘Invisible Qualities’.  That is, whilst the Horseradish Sauce is there and present on the shelf, it remains entirely elusive to the human eye. So, and this is what they call ‘thinking outside the box’, if a jar of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce can be invisible, why not a tank? Why not a squadron of tanks? My, why not an entire Infantry Battalion?

Now, of course, I ‘m not mental. I don’t think that solid matter can actually be made ‘invisible’. No, what I’m saying is that Spar’s Horseradish Sauce contains a very special quality. That is, the ability to have an observer look in absolutely any direction other than the one the sauce is in, thus rendering them paralyzed by the utter confusion of it all. Paralyzed that is, until the level of embarrassment becomes so acute they will select any nearby purchase; irrespective of any practical/commercial/Pudding concern. Now, stretch your mind, and imagine these qualities when applied to a NATO Taskforce. See where I’m going? Now, go one further and imagine the actual Horseradish Sauce, physically, applied to a NATO Taskforce! No, seriously, I really believe this could work. We could paint all our tanks and planes with it and, though they might take a little persuading, we’d also have to entirely immerse our soldiers with Spar’s Horseradish Sauce, too. Imagine the advantages in combat! They’d be practically invisible! It would be exactly like one of those ‘cloaking devices’ you see in Science Fiction, only real and with a vegetable/vinegar base.

Try and imagine the total befuddlement the application of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce to our troops might cause enemy gun emplacements and missile systems.  Of course, I’m not claiming that this won’t result in any collateral damage. I mean, of course, after staring blankly, (perhaps making a little drool) at our troop positions, enemy gunners will, naturally, feel the need to fire at anything at all, whatsoever; just so they don’t look a bit ‘weird’.

Of course, this is not to rule out contributions from other pickles and sauces. Our troops might, for instance, benefit from coating themselves in a tasty and nutritious relish such as “Piccalilli‘’, when considering Desert Warfare. Alternatively, I would suggest we lend due thought to the application of Coleslaw when undertaking Jungle Warfare, (though this has yet to be researched).

In any event, I trust that this will be of interest. Should you require a jar of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce, I will have my wife purchase one forthwith and dispatch it to your address in  Brussels at once. I should, perhaps, add that my wife has the uncanny ability to recognize any sauce, condiment or pickle on any shelf and at any time. However, I would assure you that my wife is not, to the best of my knowledge, currently in negotiations with any alien enemy power.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Best regards,

Simon S, Cordall

The Daily Mail

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: letters@dailymail.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 5 November, 2009 15:35:05
Subject: Some Thoughts on the Current Situation

Dear Daily Mail,

My wife and I were watching television, (or ‘gogglebox’ as we call it in our house!) when a rather distressing charity appeal for Dogs Trust was broadcast. The appeal in question was voiced by the actor Christopher Timothy. I’m not sure if you remember him, he was James Herriot in the fantastic television serial, All Creatures Great and Small. It was an excellent choice, as I remarked to my wife at the time, as many of the values celebrated in All Creatures Great and Small; the respect for authority, the love of animals and the value of a well ordered and structured society where everyone knows their place, are also the values that charities such as Dogs Trust will need to appeal to if they are to make a success of their work.

Whilst my wife was distressed by some of the harrowing images of dogs in the appeal by Dogs Trust, I commented that it was only correct that we address the issue of canine neglect in our country. Indeed, as a nation, are we not renowned for our love of animals? After all, is it not possible to judge the worth of our society by the care we extend to our four legged friends? If we can agree that this is the case, then I must suggest, that our nation is sadly found to be wanting.

The images of these poor, neglected dogs, slinking within the shadows of a derelict, post-industrial wasteland, their greasy, matted, stinking fur, worn thin and balding, their torsos deformed by the grim buttresses of rib and sinew that poked through their flea ridden, ulcerous skins, naturally turned my mind to the issue of East European Immigration and the tsunami of Bogus Asylum Seekers that presently engulf our country. .

I think we can all agree that, like the starving dog, both the East European and the Bogus Asylum Seeker, in seeking to meet their venal and corrupt ends, are creatures naturally given to criminality. Whether this is a matter of nature or nurture, I cannot tell. However, what is beyond dispute is that this is a breed with a natural inclination to lying, cheating, prostitution and violence.

Indeed, only last week, whilst on a train journey to Southampton, my wife occupied a recently vacated seat; only to later discover that the seat in question had previously been occupied by a Slovak. Given the level of enforced intimacy between the train’s seat, my wife’s seat and the seat of the previously recumbent Slav, is this not almost certainly tantamount to sexual assault?

Having established the natural propensity of both the East European and the Bogus Asylum Seeker towards criminality, we are obviously put in mind of the problems of ‘identification’. That is, how we establish a clear demarcation between the plucky and right thinking Brit, (the like of which won the war) and the intrinsically duplicitous and treacherous character of the East European and Bogus Asylum Seeker.

Which is where the dogs come in.

As referred to both previously and by Christopher Timothy, would it not be an act of supreme kindness, given their present state of distress, to organize the mass extermination of all our stray and criminally neglected dogs? This would then free their bodies for other practical purposes; both scientific, medical and, in this case, cultural. After much consideration, I would posit the removal of the furry faces of our deceased canine friends and their subsequent transplantation, (by means of staple) on to the faces of all Bogus Asylum Seekers, as well as the faces of our newly arrived Partners from Eastern Europe .

Of course, whilst this may sound a little radical, it would, in one swift blow, immediately remove the dual problem of Migrant/Bogus Asylum Seeker identification, as well as alleviating the sufferings of our treasured and beloved canine friends.

It is true that whilst an individual can change their name and may well adopt the accent of their assumed country, is it not a lot more troublesome to remove the bloodied carapace of a dead dog once it had been firmly stapled onto their own? Consider, if you will, the pandemic of prostitution and sex criminals that have, naturally, followed upon the heels of the recent wave of Eastern European immigration and overwhelming flood of Bogus Asylum Seekers. Now, ask yourself, how appealing the fetid, venal and rank offerings of such vile prostitutes would be when accompanied by the bloodied and ravaged face of a butchered dachshund? Moreover, and in similar fashion, the efforts of our Police Force, (who do an excellent job) would be hugely alleviated by the increased ease with which these natural criminals would be identified. Line Ups, for instance, would be greatly simplified were the guilty party to have been previously fitted with the bloodied, stinking and rotten visage of, say, a Pekinese?

Yes, there are those that will suggest this is a step too far and, yes, there are those that may even accuse me of madness. However, I think you’ll find that your readers, right thinking people everywhere and Christopher Timothy all agree that these steps, whilst bold, have now been forced upon us.

In truth, I can envisage of no other practical alternative to the current situation.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

Mime

 From: SIMON CORDALL  xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 15 October, 2009 2:58:26 PM
Subject: Mime Artist – Query

Dear London International Mime Festival,

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.

(I think we both know what I’m saying).

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 15 October, 2009 3:02:39 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

er, not exactly, you’ll have to give me a bit more to go on…

Best wishes
Helen
————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

Top of Form

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Friday, 16 October, 2009 5:28:35 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

My apologies.

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.

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.

.

.

.

… ?

I trust that this clarifies matters.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Friday, 16 October, 2009 5:40:54 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

yes, that’s much clearer.

Best wishes
Helen
————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

Top of Form

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Monday, 19 October, 2009 4:22:10 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Ah ha! I’m just joshing with you, Helen. See? I can even mime by Email.

That’s how keen at Mime I am. Really, I try and do it all the time.In shops, in my flat, everywhere.

I’ve even formed my own mime act. It’s brilliant. You’ll love it. It’s called, ‘The Fantastic Cordallius; Adventures in Mime and Space’. What do you think? Pretty good, isn’t it?

It’s like a normal mime act, but different. Like, what I mean is, you know how other mime acts tend not to talk? Well, I can talk, so I do. I don’t know why others don’t. It’s much easier this way. I mean, it’s hard enough for audiences to know what’s going on as it is. Doesn’t it make sense just to tell them? I meam, really? Look, for instance,”I’ve got a box, which I’ve just climbed out of. Now I am happy”, (make happy face)

Oh yeah. And I’m not like a total pov, or anything, so whilst other mimes have to ‘pretend’ to do stuff like drink glasses of water, which don’t really exist, I mean, what’s the point of that? I can actually afford both a glass and some water, so, really, I just drink one of those. Likewise, I prefer to use real walls and doors to walk through and touch. Sorry, I touch the walls and walk through doors, not the other way round. That wouldn’t make any sense. Unless I was a ghost!

Don’t think I think ghosts exist. I’m not mad.

So, there you go. In my own way, I’m like probably the best mime artist there’s ever been, ever. So, I suppose, what I’m asking is, how does ‘The Fantastic Cordallius; Adventures in Mime and Space’ get on the 2010 festival?

Thanks!

Simon S. Cordall

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Wednesday, 21 October, 2009 12:47:00 PM
Subject: Fw: Mime Artist – Query

Hello?

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Wednesday, 21 October, 2009 1:11:13 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Hi Simon

Sorry for the delay, we’re extremely busy at the moment as the festival starts in 10 weeks.
The line-up was completed some time ago, so we’re starting to look at the programme for 2011.
The first step is for you to send us a clip of the work you want to propose and we’ll take it from there.

Best wishes
Helen
————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Sunday, 25 October, 2009 7:32:03 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Hi there Helen!

There you go. My 2011 London International Mime Festival application: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7WvZCXbgKE

It’s bloody brilliant. No really, it is. Honestly, I bet you’ve never seen miming this good, ever. And you’re, like, the Mime Czars of the whole world and everything!

I guess, if you want me to headline the 2011 Festival, well… I guess, if you really want me to, but, honestly, what about the others? I mean, God knows, they’re screwed either way. I mean, even if I go on first or last, people will be there to just see me, unless….

… No, that’s it. People will just be there to see me. It’s a real head scratcher, isn’t it? Hang on..What if we organised another International Mime Festival? One that just featured me?! Yahoo! That could be the only way to be fair to the other, (lesser) mimes. I don’t know, what do you think? Would that work? Would it?

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall
World’s Greatest Mime

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Wednesday, 28 October, 2009 12:54:15 PM
Subject: Fw: Mime Artist – Query

You’re pretty impressed, aren’t you?

I can tell.

From: SIMON CORDALL xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 11:39:36 AM
Subject: Fw: Mime Artist – Query

Err… Hello?

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 1:30:21 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

I’m speechless…

————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 2:44:32 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

It’s OK. That’s a perfectly understandable reaction. Though, I guess, if you’re a mime already, being speechless isn’t all that unusual for you.

So, having viewed my, (awesome) audition film, can I ask if I should be keeping January 2011 free? Can I?

Please?

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 2:48:30 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Well, I think you should definitely find something else to do in January 2011…

————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 2:59:56 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

I’m miming ‘disappointment’.