Tag Archive: Spoof


Movies

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: foxmovies@fox.com
Sent: Tuesday, 1 December, 2009 23:04:01
Subject: X Men: The Next Generation After This Generation Now

Dear Fox Movie Corporation,

How are you?

I was in town earlier, (I was grocery shopping) and I was thinking about the X Men movies and everything. They’re great, aren’t they? I love the way that the X Men can do things that normal people can’t. Which I bet was a relief to you, as, if they could just do normal stuff, the films wouldn’t be half as good. I mean, on the one hand, I’d probably still watch, ‘The X Men Catch a Bus and Have a Nice Day Out,’ but I probably wouldn’t enjoy it quite as much.

Anyway, I was in town and I was thinking about the X Men, when something really weird happened. That’s right. I noticed that I, too, had a superpower! So, my idea is; why don’t I become an X Man?!

I’d be bloody brilliant!

Right, this is my special power: I can “make people, kind of, walk in to me, a bit, but not quite.” Spooky, eh? And it’s real, too! Look, imagine you were walking along the pavement, or ‘sidewalk’, as you say in America, (though you’re in LA, which means you might have never walked down either a sidewalk or a pavement, so imagine, instead, that you were someone entirely different who had walked down either A. A Sidewalk, or 2. A Pavement). Anyway, imagine, I was walking towards you, (or your nominated ‘pretend person’) well, I could – using my strange and mysterious powers of mind control – cause you inadvertently to swerve in the same direction as I did, thus causing you a brief moment of minor embarrassment AND to mutter something vaguely apologetic under your breath, but that can’t actually be made out.

Both uncanny and a little scary, isn’t it?

Don’t worry, I know the practical applications of this amazing power aren’t all that obvious. Not least, in the whole Good Vs Evil/Saving the World, type scenario, but bear with me. No really. This isn’t just some half arsed idea that’s occurred to me on a whim. No, I’ve thought it through and everything. Imagine, if you will, the evil Magneto coming back from the shops to destroy the world, or something. Well, what if I were to use my strange and mysterious power to nearly bump into him, but not quite? You see? He might be so paralyzed by that fleeting period of slight social awkwardness and minor embarrassment that he’d put off destroying the world ‘till the next day. Instead, he might just prefer a nice cup of tea, a good sit down and to watch an old episode of All Creatures Great and Small, (a gripping British TV thriller. It’s a little like ‘The Unit’, only with vets and Christopher Timothy in it).

So, there you go. What do you think? Pretty good, isn’t it? Not least because I can actually do it. I was thinking, in terms of name, we could go with ‘The Bamboozler’, because that’s what I’d do: I’d Bamboozle people, (by nearly bumping into them, but not quite).

And, though I might be getting ahead of myself, if you want to make ‘Bamboozler; The Origins’, (though a good version this time) I could talk to Preston Council, (I was in Preston when I first discovered my superpower). Could Halle Berry be in it?

Anyway, let me know what you think.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall AKA *The Bamboozler

* Though that should probably be my special, secret, name.

The Daily Mail

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: letters@dailymail.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 5 November, 2009 15:35:05
Subject: Some Thoughts on the Current Situation

Dear Daily Mail,

My wife and I were watching television, (or ‘gogglebox’ as we call it in our house!) when a rather distressing charity appeal for Dogs Trust was broadcast. The appeal in question was voiced by the actor Christopher Timothy. I’m not sure if you remember him, he was James Herriot in the fantastic television serial, All Creatures Great and Small. It was an excellent choice, as I remarked to my wife at the time, as many of the values celebrated in All Creatures Great and Small; the respect for authority, the love of animals and the value of a well ordered and structured society where everyone knows their place, are also the values that charities such as Dogs Trust will need to appeal to if they are to make a success of their work.

Whilst my wife was distressed by some of the harrowing images of dogs in the appeal by Dogs Trust, I commented that it was only correct that we address the issue of canine neglect in our country. Indeed, as a nation, are we not renowned for our love of animals? After all, is it not possible to judge the worth of our society by the care we extend to our four legged friends? If we can agree that this is the case, then I must suggest, that our nation is sadly found to be wanting.

The images of these poor, neglected dogs, slinking within the shadows of a derelict, post-industrial wasteland, their greasy, matted, stinking fur, worn thin and balding, their torsos deformed by the grim buttresses of rib and sinew that poked through their flea ridden, ulcerous skins, naturally turned my mind to the issue of East European Immigration and the tsunami of Bogus Asylum Seekers that presently engulf our country. .

I think we can all agree that, like the starving dog, both the East European and the Bogus Asylum Seeker, in seeking to meet their venal and corrupt ends, are creatures naturally given to criminality. Whether this is a matter of nature or nurture, I cannot tell. However, what is beyond dispute is that this is a breed with a natural inclination to lying, cheating, prostitution and violence.

Indeed, only last week, whilst on a train journey to Southampton, my wife occupied a recently vacated seat; only to later discover that the seat in question had previously been occupied by a Slovak. Given the level of enforced intimacy between the train’s seat, my wife’s seat and the seat of the previously recumbent Slav, is this not almost certainly tantamount to sexual assault?

Having established the natural propensity of both the East European and the Bogus Asylum Seeker towards criminality, we are obviously put in mind of the problems of ‘identification’. That is, how we establish a clear demarcation between the plucky and right thinking Brit, (the like of which won the war) and the intrinsically duplicitous and treacherous character of the East European and Bogus Asylum Seeker.

Which is where the dogs come in.

As referred to both previously and by Christopher Timothy, would it not be an act of supreme kindness, given their present state of distress, to organize the mass extermination of all our stray and criminally neglected dogs? This would then free their bodies for other practical purposes; both scientific, medical and, in this case, cultural. After much consideration, I would posit the removal of the furry faces of our deceased canine friends and their subsequent transplantation, (by means of staple) on to the faces of all Bogus Asylum Seekers, as well as the faces of our newly arrived Partners from Eastern Europe .

Of course, whilst this may sound a little radical, it would, in one swift blow, immediately remove the dual problem of Migrant/Bogus Asylum Seeker identification, as well as alleviating the sufferings of our treasured and beloved canine friends.

It is true that whilst an individual can change their name and may well adopt the accent of their assumed country, is it not a lot more troublesome to remove the bloodied carapace of a dead dog once it had been firmly stapled onto their own? Consider, if you will, the pandemic of prostitution and sex criminals that have, naturally, followed upon the heels of the recent wave of Eastern European immigration and overwhelming flood of Bogus Asylum Seekers. Now, ask yourself, how appealing the fetid, venal and rank offerings of such vile prostitutes would be when accompanied by the bloodied and ravaged face of a butchered dachshund? Moreover, and in similar fashion, the efforts of our Police Force, (who do an excellent job) would be hugely alleviated by the increased ease with which these natural criminals would be identified. Line Ups, for instance, would be greatly simplified were the guilty party to have been previously fitted with the bloodied, stinking and rotten visage of, say, a Pekinese?

Yes, there are those that will suggest this is a step too far and, yes, there are those that may even accuse me of madness. However, I think you’ll find that your readers, right thinking people everywhere and Christopher Timothy all agree that these steps, whilst bold, have now been forced upon us.

In truth, I can envisage of no other practical alternative to the current situation.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

Mime

 From: SIMON CORDALL  xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 15 October, 2009 2:58:26 PM
Subject: Mime Artist – Query

Dear London International Mime Festival,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

(I think we both know what I’m saying).

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 15 October, 2009 3:02:39 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

er, not exactly, you’ll have to give me a bit more to go on…

Best wishes
Helen
————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

Top of Form

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Friday, 16 October, 2009 5:28:35 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

My apologies.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

… ?

I trust that this clarifies matters.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Friday, 16 October, 2009 5:40:54 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

yes, that’s much clearer.

Best wishes
Helen
————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

Top of Form

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Monday, 19 October, 2009 4:22:10 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Ah ha! I’m just joshing with you, Helen. See? I can even mime by Email.

That’s how keen at Mime I am. Really, I try and do it all the time.In shops, in my flat, everywhere.

I’ve even formed my own mime act. It’s brilliant. You’ll love it. It’s called, ‘The Fantastic Cordallius; Adventures in Mime and Space’. What do you think? Pretty good, isn’t it?

It’s like a normal mime act, but different. Like, what I mean is, you know how other mime acts tend not to talk? Well, I can talk, so I do. I don’t know why others don’t. It’s much easier this way. I mean, it’s hard enough for audiences to know what’s going on as it is. Doesn’t it make sense just to tell them? I meam, really? Look, for instance,”I’ve got a box, which I’ve just climbed out of. Now I am happy”, (make happy face)

Oh yeah. And I’m not like a total pov, or anything, so whilst other mimes have to ‘pretend’ to do stuff like drink glasses of water, which don’t really exist, I mean, what’s the point of that? I can actually afford both a glass and some water, so, really, I just drink one of those. Likewise, I prefer to use real walls and doors to walk through and touch. Sorry, I touch the walls and walk through doors, not the other way round. That wouldn’t make any sense. Unless I was a ghost!

Don’t think I think ghosts exist. I’m not mad.

So, there you go. In my own way, I’m like probably the best mime artist there’s ever been, ever. So, I suppose, what I’m asking is, how does ‘The Fantastic Cordallius; Adventures in Mime and Space’ get on the 2010 festival?

Thanks!

Simon S. Cordall

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Wednesday, 21 October, 2009 12:47:00 PM
Subject: Fw: Mime Artist – Query

Hello?

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Wednesday, 21 October, 2009 1:11:13 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Hi Simon

Sorry for the delay, we’re extremely busy at the moment as the festival starts in 10 weeks.
The line-up was completed some time ago, so we’re starting to look at the programme for 2011.
The first step is for you to send us a clip of the work you want to propose and we’ll take it from there.

Best wishes
Helen
————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Sunday, 25 October, 2009 7:32:03 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Hi there Helen!

There you go. My 2011 London International Mime Festival application: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7WvZCXbgKE

It’s bloody brilliant. No really, it is. Honestly, I bet you’ve never seen miming this good, ever. And you’re, like, the Mime Czars of the whole world and everything!

I guess, if you want me to headline the 2011 Festival, well… I guess, if you really want me to, but, honestly, what about the others? I mean, God knows, they’re screwed either way. I mean, even if I go on first or last, people will be there to just see me, unless….

… No, that’s it. People will just be there to see me. It’s a real head scratcher, isn’t it? Hang on..What if we organised another International Mime Festival? One that just featured me?! Yahoo! That could be the only way to be fair to the other, (lesser) mimes. I don’t know, what do you think? Would that work? Would it?

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall
World’s Greatest Mime

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Wednesday, 28 October, 2009 12:54:15 PM
Subject: Fw: Mime Artist – Query

You’re pretty impressed, aren’t you?

I can tell.

From: SIMON CORDALL xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 11:39:36 AM
Subject: Fw: Mime Artist – Query

Err… Hello?

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 1:30:21 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

I’m speechless…

————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 2:44:32 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

It’s OK. That’s a perfectly understandable reaction. Though, I guess, if you’re a mime already, being speechless isn’t all that unusual for you.

So, having viewed my, (awesome) audition film, can I ask if I should be keeping January 2011 free? Can I?

Please?

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 2:48:30 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Well, I think you should definitely find something else to do in January 2011…

————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 2:59:56 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

I’m miming ‘disappointment’.

(More) Beauty

acFrom: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: tamara@beautyinprague.com
Sent: Wednesday, 14 October, 2009 4:00:20 PM
Subject: Elective Surgery – Addendum

Dear Beauty in Prague,

I refer to my correspondence of 1st October, ( Elective Surgery – Enquiry) and am disappointed that I have yet to hear from you on this matter.

However, whilst my disappointment over the tardiness of any reply remains acute, I regret that I am, in equal measure, unsurprised by the lack of response on your part. Indeed, after reviewing my previous correspondence, there are a number of areas that, I feel, undermine the value of fitting a Rhino Horn to my forehead as a worthwhile proposition. Chief amongst these, it has to be said, is the lack of practical application, (other than self defence) of fitting a Rhino’s Horn to your head in the manner previously described.

With this in mind, and after a period of grave and solemn reflection, I have chosen to augment my initial request. That is, in addition to my Rhino’s Horn, I would ask your indulgence in giving due considerations to certain other , practical, alterations to my visage? Principally, considerations with reference to the present positioning of my ears. For many years now, my ears have remained stubbornly located on either side of my head. That is, by way of clarification, each individual lobe can be located at, roughly, a ninety degree axis from the point of my nose. In practical terms, this cannot be said to be a satisfactory arrangement. On the contrary, I feel my hearing would be greatly enhanced by giving both my ears what we may term a ‘roaming brief’, as averse to their current, purely stationary, role. That is, rather than their current fixed location, my ears would take on a more portable aspect, thus allowing me to hear in a ‘multi-directional’ manner, gifting me access to all manner of auditory stimuli at all points of the compass.

In achieving the above aim, may I suggest that my current ears be, temporarily, removed and fixed to a length of flexible hose, (I would suggest this be approximately three feet in length). The other end of such hoses being then grafted on to the vacant ear holes to be found lying, naked, on either side of my head. To this arrangement, I would then propose a semi-flexible support arm be affixed, (such as the arm to be found supporting the modern day ‘Angle Poise Lamp’), this would then lend my “Ear Tubes” a degree of rigidity, whilst still allowing them to be positioned at a variety of angles and positions of my choosing according to circumstance.

I understand that, on an initial reading, the above suggestion may appear a little drastic in its scope. However, I feel that these measures are entirely in proportion to the benefits to be gained from repositioning my ears in such a fashion. Whilst examples of the gains to be made from the reconsideration of my ‘lobal geography’ are too numerous to be listed here, I would ask your indulgence in at least giving some thought to the following; When standing at the rear of an educational lecture or, in the case of our young people, perhaps a ‘pop’ concert, the wearer of such surgically augmented ears could position their lobes above the height of the crowd and, in doing so, greatly enhance the benefit of attending such an event.

Similarly, old people, who might experience some discomfort in bending down, could pay avid attention to the cheery ramblings of a small, rosy cheeked, child and their tall tales of ‘scrumping’ for apples, or wild adventures lived out on sun dappled evenings, spent in careless revelry amidst endless fields of rolling hay.

Moreover, and as you no doubt have already surmised, such a procedure would also be of immeasurable benefit to the Police, and other security agencies, in enabling their agents to covertly listen in on the intimate and secretive communications of criminals and other ‘ner do wells’. Perhaps this could best be achieved by positioning an ear around the corner from which an agent was stood, or, perhaps by positioning an ear, surreptitiously, under a park bench on which likely villains might later unsuspectingly seek rest. I don’t know.

Lastly, there is the clear and evident appeal such a proposition would hold for our young people. Modern days ‘hippies’, for instance, could remove their Angle Poised Support Arms and wear their ears loose and flowing, in the same manner that they presently do their hair; thus gaining the immediate admiration and awe of their peer group. Similarly, ‘Teddy Boys’ could use their ears to augment the most ambitious of quiffs, without losing any material loss in the practical advantages of having undergone this procedure.

There are also the advantages of having valves fitted to each Ear Tube, allowing the wearer to set them to the ‘Off’ position.

I am confident that, whilst the above will be of interest to you, there are many areas you still feel might benefit from further discussion. I am, of course, entirely at your disposal in answering any queries you may have over the benefits of such a procedure and, of course, am ready to reassure you over any lingerings doubts you may have over the efficacy of such an alteration.

Best regards and I look forward to hearing from you shortly,

Simon S. Cordall

World Records

An Inspirational Piece of Toast.

Summary Claim Details

You may want to keep a copy of these details for your reference. If any information is incorrect, please use the Previous Button to go back and amend the details.

Claim Title: Longest Time To Remember A Song You Had Forgotten
Country: United Kingdom
City/Town/Village: PRESTON
Date of attempt: 14/ 09/ 2009
Record Details:

Hi there!

How you doing?

I don’t know if you remember me, but I submitted a record claim a few years ago; Longest Time to Get a Joke, (‘where’s the soap’, as opposed to ‘wears the soap’? It wasn’t very good).

You didn’t accept it.

But, don’t worry. I’ve got another. It’s a whopper. You’re going to love it; The Longest Time To Remember A Song That You Had Forgotten. What do you think? Good, isn’t it?

Anyway, here’s the thing; when my mate Ed and I were around six years old, we had a band called The Brats. I know, it sounds like we’d be bloody fantastic but, trust me, we weren’t. Anyway, last week, (on the 14th) I was in the kitchen, I might have been unblocking the sink, though I’ve got a feeling toast was involved somehow. I’m not sure. Look, if it’s really important, let me know and I’ll have a good old think. Anyway, the point is, I started humming a song that Ed and I had written in The Brats! Ah ha! I mean, after a gap of thirty years of not knowing the song at all! That’s pretty amazing, isn’t it? I mean, I bet no one has ever, ever forgotten and then remembered a song after such a lengthy period of time. Well, obviously they haven’t, or I wouldn’t have the World Record for it, would I?

Anyway, I know how important authentication is to you Cats so, the other night, I was in the pub with Ed, and I started to sing the song, and he agreed; that was the song that I’d forgotten that we’d written in The Brats that I’d now remembered and, yes, it probably was The Longest Time To Remember A Song That You Had Forgotten, ever.

So, do I get the record?

Incidentally, if Ed submits a rival record claim, can I just say that, yes, whilst he did remember the song when I sang it, (which, technically, means that he’d forgotten it for two days longer than I had) he only remembered it when I sang it to him, and not independently. So I don’t think that should count. Just to be sure, if you do go with Ed on this, can I still have the record for the Longest Unsupported Act Of Remembering A Song After You’d Forgotten It? Which, I think, is more impressive.

Anyway, there you go. Thirty Years to remember a song I’d forgotten. Can I get the World Record now, please?

Thanks!

Simon

PS: The song was called ‘Thunder and Lightening’. It involved the Battle of Hastings. I’m not sure why.

Media:
This event is not in aid of Charity

If you experience any difficulties using our system, please contact technical support with a detailed description of your problem.

Claim ID: 279253
Membership Number: 246092

Dear Mr Simon Cordall,

Thank you for sending us the details of your recent record attempt for ‘Longest Time To Remember A Song You Had Forgotten’. We are afraid to say that we are unable to accept this as a Guinness World Record.

We receive over 60,000 enquiries a year from which only a small proportion are approved by our experienced researchers to establish new categories. These are not ‘made up’ to suit an individual proposal, but rather ‘evolve’ as a result of international competition in a field, which naturally accommodates superlatives of the sort that we are interested in. We think you will appreciate that we are bound to favour those that reflect the greatest interest.

Guinness World Records has absolute discretion as to which Guinness World Record applications are accepted and our decision is final. Guinness World Records may at its discretion and for whatever reason identify some records as either no longer monitored by Guinness World Records or no longer viable.

As your record application has not been accepted, Guinness World Records is in no way associated with the activity relating to your record proposal and we in no way endorse this activity. If you choose to proceed with this activity then this is will be of your own volition and at your own risk.

Once again thank you for your interest in Guinness World Records.

Yours sincerely,

Aleksandr Vypirailenko
Records Management Team