NATO

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx.xxxx@hq.nato.int
Sent: Tuesday, 8 December, 2009 11:40:43
Subject: Covert Military Assault/Spar’s Horseradish Sauce

Dear Mr Anders Fogh Anderson,

How are you? Or, as you say in Denmark, “Hoe bent u?”

I’m sorry for contacting you directly. I know how busy you must be, what with running NATO and everything. However, I really think I’ve hit upon something.

I live a long way away from you, in the thriving modern metropolis and artistic hub they call ‘Preston’ in ‘ Lancashire ‘. My wife and I were having our Sunday tea the other night, (because it was a Sunday). Anyway, my wife was making – my favourite – Yorkshire Pudding, (even though Preston’s in  Lancashire and Yorkshire Pudding’s not really a pudding at all!). Anyway, my wife noticed that we were out of Horseradish Sauce and subsequently dispatched me to the local ‘Spar’ to purchase a delicious jar of the same at once and forthwith.

Anyway, (I have gone right round the houses, haven’t I?) I was in Spar and unable to locate the condiment in question, when I was directed to the particular and specific shelf by a young lady who worked there. I think she might have been called ‘Portia’, I’m not sure. Is ‘Fiat’ a name? Anyway, I was standing directly in front of the shelf I had been directed to, which had been definitely confirmed to hold the Horseradish Sauce I sought. Yet, the more I looked, the less able I was to identify the spicy relish in question. Moreover and furthermore, after having already once consulted the young lady, (Volkswagen Passat?) I was reluctant to do so a second time, particularly after I had been seen visibly standing in front of the shelf that had definitely and positively been confirmed to hold, amongst others, the jar of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce whose purchase I had been entrusted with. Anyway, after staring blankly at the shelf in question for a good five minutes, I suddenly became acutely and embarrassingly aware of how long I had been stood, perfectly still and trancelike, staring blankly at the shelf in front of me., (it’s possible my mouth might have been open a little bit, too) Anyway, after having reached this terrifying moment of perfect clarity and self awareness, I then began to look franticly in a seeing frenzy of frenzied panic, at the row upon row of anonymous jars, pickles, sauces and condiments that lay in regiment and uniform order upon the shelf in front of me, before desperately grabbing a jar of Pickled Onions, (I don’t know why they’re on that shelf. They’re not even a sauce) and buying them instead. Consequently avoiding giving the impression to any onlooker that I might, in fact, be ‘a little odd’. I then stopped off at Asda on the way back and bought the Horseradish Sauce there.

Now, while I’m sure you’re sympathetic to the plight as outlined above, it’s relevance to maintaining the military security of  Western Europe might not be immediately apparent. However, bear with me. It’s really important.

I was driving back from Asda, (see above) and considering the whys, the wherefores and the whats raised by the whole Spar’s Horseradish Sauce debacle when it suddenly occurred to me; Indeed, looking back and rereading the paragraph above, there is only one conclusion that it is humanely possible to draw; Spar’s Horseradish Sauce must contain special ‘Invisible Qualities’.  That is, whilst the Horseradish Sauce is there and present on the shelf, it remains entirely elusive to the human eye. So, and this is what they call ‘thinking outside the box’, if a jar of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce can be invisible, why not a tank? Why not a squadron of tanks? My, why not an entire Infantry Battalion?

Now, of course, I ‘m not mental. I don’t think that solid matter can actually be made ‘invisible’. No, what I’m saying is that Spar’s Horseradish Sauce contains a very special quality. That is, the ability to have an observer look in absolutely any direction other than the one the sauce is in, thus rendering them paralyzed by the utter confusion of it all. Paralyzed that is, until the level of embarrassment becomes so acute they will select any nearby purchase; irrespective of any practical/commercial/Pudding concern. Now, stretch your mind, and imagine these qualities when applied to a NATO Taskforce. See where I’m going? Now, go one further and imagine the actual Horseradish Sauce, physically, applied to a NATO Taskforce! No, seriously, I really believe this could work. We could paint all our tanks and planes with it and, though they might take a little persuading, we’d also have to entirely immerse our soldiers with Spar’s Horseradish Sauce, too. Imagine the advantages in combat! They’d be practically invisible! It would be exactly like one of those ‘cloaking devices’ you see in Science Fiction, only real and with a vegetable/vinegar base.

Try and imagine the total befuddlement the application of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce to our troops might cause enemy gun emplacements and missile systems.  Of course, I’m not claiming that this won’t result in any collateral damage. I mean, of course, after staring blankly, (perhaps making a little drool) at our troop positions, enemy gunners will, naturally, feel the need to fire at anything at all, whatsoever; just so they don’t look a bit ‘weird’.

Of course, this is not to rule out contributions from other pickles and sauces. Our troops might, for instance, benefit from coating themselves in a tasty and nutritious relish such as “Piccalilli‘’, when considering Desert Warfare. Alternatively, I would suggest we lend due thought to the application of Coleslaw when undertaking Jungle Warfare, (though this has yet to be researched).

In any event, I trust that this will be of interest. Should you require a jar of Spar’s Horseradish Sauce, I will have my wife purchase one forthwith and dispatch it to your address in  Brussels at once. I should, perhaps, add that my wife has the uncanny ability to recognize any sauce, condiment or pickle on any shelf and at any time. However, I would assure you that my wife is not, to the best of my knowledge, currently in negotiations with any alien enemy power.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Best regards,

Simon S, Cordall

Dance

 

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: info@bfkm.de
Sent: Saturday, 14 November, 2009 19:07:02
Subject: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Dear Sirs,

I was reviewing your excellent website, featuring details of next year’s International Dance World Cup, and was disappointed to note that there was no indication that Britain had yet to submit an entry.

I am unaware if you are currently in discussions with any other British Dance Association. However, assuming that you are not, and with all sense of humility, I would be grateful if you would consider this as an official application on behalf of Team Great Britain . In truth, I feel it is essential that Britain be represented in your illustrious competition, for the sake of our national dignity, pride and self image. We are an island nation, it is true. However, perhaps more so, we are a proud nation. Ultimately, we are a nation of dancers. We have a long and proud history of dance, of an Empire built upon our Do Se Do and wars waged and won on the strength of our Pase Double.

As the initial applicant, I would be grateful if, henceforth, you would regard me as Captain of Team GB. Whilst I would consider myself as a relatively versatile dancer, my focus has always been on Tap. It is in this field that, I feel, my achievements and experience to date qualify me both to represent my country, as well as lead the national squad. At age thirteen I was lucky enough to be crowned Champion of the NorthWest Inter-club competition, ‘Hoofing across the North’. My later teenage years saw me successful compete in the European Tap Competition, ‘Je Com Pon Tap’, (light middleweight division) and my ‘Double Mixie’ has been described in ‘On Tap’, the journal of the International Tap Association, as having the grace of a ‘latter day Nureyev’, with the ‘sublime power of a young Gene Kelly’.

Indeed, the loss of my left leg in a vicious ornithology related accident at age twenty one has not, in any way, dimmed my tapping ambition. Rather, I have simply adapted my style to suit my new omni-legged circumstances. For instance, my famed, ‘Double Mixie’ is now very much of the Single variety. Over the subsequent years, I have come to regard myself as having moved very much from the ‘lead,’ to the ‘rhythm section’ of the Tapping World. That is to say, whilst other tap dancers may well enjoy the, ‘Clickerty, clckerty, jangly, slap, slap’ of contemporary tap dancing, I have come to celebrate the simpler, ‘Ker-thump. Kerr-thump. Kerr-thump’ of our art.

Whilst I am unable to provide concrete details of all of Team GB at present, I feel that the make up of our National Squad should reflect the optimism and dynamism of a vibrant 21st century Britain. To this end, I would confirm it as my intention to recruit, at least two, unemployed teenagers to fill the ranks of Team GB Ideally, one of these would be a single mother and both should boast impressive criminal records. If you could also provide details of any section, or discipline, which might benefit from the involvement of a Renault Clio, that would be gratefully appreciated.

Furthermore, I don’t think any representation of Great Britain would be complete without the firm inclusion of a morbidly obese child. Naturally, dancing activities for the obese child would have to be very limited, for health/tantrum reasons. Indeed, might I ask if you would consider an entry into any dance section that had been made via Play Station, as equal to an entry from a dancer who had actually turned up?

My pal, Ed, might also be interested in representing Great Britain in your august competition. Whilst Ed has yet to show any interest or ability in the field of Dance, I do know that he is very interested in the World Cup and would therefore be able to provide us with invaluable technical details, such as when a particular move is off side, or when we are expected to dance into Extra Time.

Lastly, I will be looking to the experience and professionalism of the ladies of the Preston Gentlemen’s’ Club, ‘A Perfect Ten’ to flesh out our ranks, (no pun or innuendo intended).

To summarize therefore, the proposed Team GB will consist of; Me. My mate Ed. A morbidly obese child. Two chavs and a collection of lap Dancers, (exact numbers to be confirmed).

I thank you for your consideration and I am confident that you, like me, are looking forward to a successful 2010 Dance World Cup.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

From: Korinna <xxxx@korinna.de>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Wednesday, 18 November, 2009 21:31:01
Subject: Re: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry

Dear Mr. Cordall,

Sorry for not having answered to your E-mail any quicker. There is a national qualifying comeptition for schools and dance groups from the United Kingdom. This will take place on the island Guernsey in March 2010. It would be nice to see your dancers there.

Where is your dance group or school located?

With kind regards,
Korinna Soehn
http://www.hellasdance.de

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Korinna <xxxx@korinna.de>
Sent: Thursday, 19 November, 2009 14:32:45
Subject: Re: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Thank you very much for your kind response, Korinna..

In answer to your question, rather than consider ourselves a school or group, we, the members of the ‘Great Simundo and His Jiving Clod Hoppers’ prefer to think of ourselves as members of a ‘troupe’. Yes, it may appear a little old fashioned in these modern times, but then, I suppose, we are at heart an old fashioned kind of school.

We can be found at the very heart of culture in contemporary Britain , indeed, right at the very fulcrum of the UK arts scene; Preston . Yes, Paris might have its Montmartre and New Orleans its Bourbon Street , however, Preston’s legendary ‘ Plungington Road ‘ is still discussed in hushed tones within the global artistic cognoscenti.

However, before proceeding any further, may I ask for clarification on one point? That is, after qualifying during the heats on Guernsey, would we, officially, be allowed to refer to ourselves as Team GB? I stress this as we’ve already started work on the uniforms.

I happen to know that my pal, Ed, has spent the last few days in his shed, working on the Special Hats he has devised for the competition, (Ed’s quite the engineering ‘wizz’). My understanding is that the intended Special Hats are to be almost sombrero like in aspect, (though with a flat brim). The head piece of the Special Hat will be white and will feature representations of historical British figures, such as St George, Winston Churchill and Giles Brandreth. This part of the Special Hat will be ‘ Britain ‘. Stretching away from, and around, ‘ Britain ’ will be the brim of the Special Hat, which Ed intends to decorate with representations of our competing global partners. A jackboot and kosh, for instance, will be used to celebrate Germany ‘s long and proud history of militarism and aggression. Adjacent to that, Ed will be using a White Flag to show France ‘s long and proud history of surrendering in the face of German militarism and aggression, and so on and so forth. In an ingenious move, Ed has also converted a ‘Party Popper’ into a functioning model cannon. This is then fixed to the very top of the Special Hat, ( Britain ) and, by use of a string and pulley system, can be rotated and used to fire grapeshot at the other featured countries. We feel that, as well as providing a welcome distraction for the other National Teams; our Special Hats will also serve to encapsulate the friendly spirit of the competition.

I trust the above will meet with your approval and I look forward to hearing details of the Guernsey heats as soon as is practical.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall
Captain; Team GB

From: Ballettfoerderkreise e.V. <xxxx@bfkm.de>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 19 November, 2009 16:41:54
Subject: Re: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry

Dear Mr. Cordall,

Thank you for all your interest. As a matter of fact there will be many schools, groups, troupes coming to participate in the Guernsey qualifying competition. Those that will become first or second will be qualified to participate in the Dance World Cup in Sardinia.

So before thinking of a Team GB I would suggest you to concentrate on the national qualifying comeptition.

Please send your precise entries to Mrs. Helen Racjan danceworldcup@aol.co.uk , and she will explain you all details. In the rules of the competition at http://www.hellasdance.de you may read what information is required for registration.

With kind regards,
Korinna Soehn

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Ballettfoerderkreise e.V. <xxxx@bfkm.de>
Sent: Thursday, 19 November, 2009 16:50:25
Subject: Re: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
That’s fantastic. We’ll get right on it!

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall
Captain: Team GB, (pending)

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: danceworldcup@aol.co.uk
Sent: Sunday, 29 November, 2009 23:44:19
Subject: Fw: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Dear Mrs Helen Racjan,

How are you?

I have been asked by the, very nice and helpful, Korinna Soehn to send you the precise details of my entries.

Our team, which, for the sake of argument, we may as well call “Team GB”, is very much a multidisciplinary unit. Really, our dancing styles and idioms are as varied as the colours of the rainbow. Though there’s only seven of them.

As you can see below, Team GB is very much representative of the dynamic and forward looking nature of current British society, (another reason why we should be; Team GB). Thus far and at the tine of writing we have; two unemployed teenagers, (one a single Mother) some lap dancers, an obese child, a 2003 1.1 Renault Clio, plus myself’ an established, award winning and highly respected Tap Dancer, (albeit of the Mono Legged disposition), Given the wide demographic mix of Team GB and the intricacies of each individual competitor’s own entry, I think it best if we deal with each individually.

Two Unemployed Teenagers
After some very lengthy discussions, strenuous debate and a great deal of thought, our two unemployed teenagers were standing outside the local ‘Haddows’, for no obvious reason, when they decided they may as well do their act together. In the main, as this will save on babysitting money, (as her Mum can only do it so often and spends all the money she gets on fags anyway).

Furthermore, I’m sure you will be delighted to hear, that our two Unemployed Teenagers will require little, or no, technical support. Their music, for instance, will be broadcast directly from their phone, (modern mobile phones can do this. Amazing, I know) and their costumes have already been sourced via Wigan ‘s ‘JJB Sport’. Their act, which is quite original, sees them shuffling in stalled, jerky movements to any anonymous ‘House Track’, (it’s a form of music that’s very popular amongst the young people. It’s a little like ‘Let’s Get Ready To Rumble’, by the pop group, PJ and Duncan).

Before progressing further, I have assured our male Unemployed Teenager, Daz, that I would ask if it would be possible for him to smoke during their performance, or, as he has it “the magic’s pure no happening without a doobie. Know what I mean, yer one legged bawbag?”

A 2003 1.1 Renault Clio
Daz has also inquired if, given his proficiency at something called a ‘Hand Brake Turn’, might his Renault Clio also be considered for entry? Apparently, Daz feels that this might be quite effective if accompanied by “that music from that film. You know, it’s got spaceships in it. But there’s, like, monkeys in it too. They go into Space, not the monkeys, people do, and spaceships all dock and stuff. Well, the music from that bit. It’s all classical, like that opera, y’know. It’s got an evil computer called ‘Dave’ in it”.

Which I feel is self explanatory.

An Obese Child
Unfortunately, our obese child’s entry has been somewhat delayed. He assured us that he had been training in earnest for the event on something called a ‘Wii Fit’. Sadly, what we assumed to be a spelling error on his part, turned out to be quite accurate, and it now seems that he has, in fact, been busily training on something called a ‘Wii Fat’. Whilst his dance skills haven’t progressed a great deal, I am told he has now reached Level 10 on ‘Baker: The Art of Piecraft’, and is quite the wizz at ‘Pastry Counter Hero’.

Some Lap Dancers

Whilst, of course, we are very grateful for the enthusiasm shown by the ladies of Preston ‘s foremost Gentlemen’s Club, A Perfect Ten, I am not entirely sure if their particular form of dance is suited to this competition. However, please rest assured that I am not hurrying to dismiss their application off hand. Indeed, I spent five hours in A Perfect Ten last night, and will be visiting again, (on Wednesday) before making any final decision.

You can find details of my act below, I’m not really one to blow my own trumpet, (not least because it upsets my balance)

In any event, I trust that this clarifies matters. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall
Captain; Team GB

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: danceworldcup@aol.co.uk
Sent: Sunday, 6 December, 2009 22:53:59
Subject: Fw: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Mrs Helen Racjan?

Hello?

My entries?

(I just had a lobster for dinner. It was fantastic)

(Sorry, I meant to say that I ate a Lobster for my dinner, not that one was my guest for dinner. That would be ridiculous)

My entries?

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: danceworldcup@aol.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 10 December, 2009 14:11:16
Subject: Fw: Fw: International Dance World Cup – British Entry
Mrs Helen Racjan?

Are we, as Phil Collins put it, Dancing in to the Light, or are we just Dancing in the Dark, (Phil Collins didn’t do that one)

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall; Who May Never Dance Again.

Movies

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: foxmovies@fox.com
Sent: Tuesday, 1 December, 2009 23:04:01
Subject: X Men: The Next Generation After This Generation Now

Dear Fox Movie Corporation,

How are you?

I was in town earlier, (I was grocery shopping) and I was thinking about the X Men movies and everything. They’re great, aren’t they? I love the way that the X Men can do things that normal people can’t. Which I bet was a relief to you, as, if they could just do normal stuff, the films wouldn’t be half as good. I mean, on the one hand, I’d probably still watch, ‘The X Men Catch a Bus and Have a Nice Day Out,’ but I probably wouldn’t enjoy it quite as much.

Anyway, I was in town and I was thinking about the X Men, when something really weird happened. That’s right. I noticed that I, too, had a superpower! So, my idea is; why don’t I become an X Man?!

I’d be bloody brilliant!

Right, this is my special power: I can “make people, kind of, walk in to me, a bit, but not quite.” Spooky, eh? And it’s real, too! Look, imagine you were walking along the pavement, or ‘sidewalk’, as you say in America, (though you’re in LA, which means you might have never walked down either a sidewalk or a pavement, so imagine, instead, that you were someone entirely different who had walked down either A. A Sidewalk, or 2. A Pavement). Anyway, imagine, I was walking towards you, (or your nominated ‘pretend person’) well, I could – using my strange and mysterious powers of mind control – cause you inadvertently to swerve in the same direction as I did, thus causing you a brief moment of minor embarrassment AND to mutter something vaguely apologetic under your breath, but that can’t actually be made out.

Both uncanny and a little scary, isn’t it?

Don’t worry, I know the practical applications of this amazing power aren’t all that obvious. Not least, in the whole Good Vs Evil/Saving the World, type scenario, but bear with me. No really. This isn’t just some half arsed idea that’s occurred to me on a whim. No, I’ve thought it through and everything. Imagine, if you will, the evil Magneto coming back from the shops to destroy the world, or something. Well, what if I were to use my strange and mysterious power to nearly bump into him, but not quite? You see? He might be so paralyzed by that fleeting period of slight social awkwardness and minor embarrassment that he’d put off destroying the world ‘till the next day. Instead, he might just prefer a nice cup of tea, a good sit down and to watch an old episode of All Creatures Great and Small, (a gripping British TV thriller. It’s a little like ‘The Unit’, only with vets and Christopher Timothy in it).

So, there you go. What do you think? Pretty good, isn’t it? Not least because I can actually do it. I was thinking, in terms of name, we could go with ‘The Bamboozler’, because that’s what I’d do: I’d Bamboozle people, (by nearly bumping into them, but not quite).

And, though I might be getting ahead of myself, if you want to make ‘Bamboozler; The Origins’, (though a good version this time) I could talk to Preston Council, (I was in Preston when I first discovered my superpower). Could Halle Berry be in it?

Anyway, let me know what you think.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall AKA *The Bamboozler

* Though that should probably be my special, secret, name.

The Daily Mail

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: letters@dailymail.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 5 November, 2009 15:35:05
Subject: Some Thoughts on the Current Situation

Dear Daily Mail,

My wife and I were watching television, (or ‘gogglebox’ as we call it in our house!) when a rather distressing charity appeal for Dogs Trust was broadcast. The appeal in question was voiced by the actor Christopher Timothy. I’m not sure if you remember him, he was James Herriot in the fantastic television serial, All Creatures Great and Small. It was an excellent choice, as I remarked to my wife at the time, as many of the values celebrated in All Creatures Great and Small; the respect for authority, the love of animals and the value of a well ordered and structured society where everyone knows their place, are also the values that charities such as Dogs Trust will need to appeal to if they are to make a success of their work.

Whilst my wife was distressed by some of the harrowing images of dogs in the appeal by Dogs Trust, I commented that it was only correct that we address the issue of canine neglect in our country. Indeed, as a nation, are we not renowned for our love of animals? After all, is it not possible to judge the worth of our society by the care we extend to our four legged friends? If we can agree that this is the case, then I must suggest, that our nation is sadly found to be wanting.

The images of these poor, neglected dogs, slinking within the shadows of a derelict, post-industrial wasteland, their greasy, matted, stinking fur, worn thin and balding, their torsos deformed by the grim buttresses of rib and sinew that poked through their flea ridden, ulcerous skins, naturally turned my mind to the issue of East European Immigration and the tsunami of Bogus Asylum Seekers that presently engulf our country. .

I think we can all agree that, like the starving dog, both the East European and the Bogus Asylum Seeker, in seeking to meet their venal and corrupt ends, are creatures naturally given to criminality. Whether this is a matter of nature or nurture, I cannot tell. However, what is beyond dispute is that this is a breed with a natural inclination to lying, cheating, prostitution and violence.

Indeed, only last week, whilst on a train journey to Southampton, my wife occupied a recently vacated seat; only to later discover that the seat in question had previously been occupied by a Slovak. Given the level of enforced intimacy between the train’s seat, my wife’s seat and the seat of the previously recumbent Slav, is this not almost certainly tantamount to sexual assault?

Having established the natural propensity of both the East European and the Bogus Asylum Seeker towards criminality, we are obviously put in mind of the problems of ‘identification’. That is, how we establish a clear demarcation between the plucky and right thinking Brit, (the like of which won the war) and the intrinsically duplicitous and treacherous character of the East European and Bogus Asylum Seeker.

Which is where the dogs come in.

As referred to both previously and by Christopher Timothy, would it not be an act of supreme kindness, given their present state of distress, to organize the mass extermination of all our stray and criminally neglected dogs? This would then free their bodies for other practical purposes; both scientific, medical and, in this case, cultural. After much consideration, I would posit the removal of the furry faces of our deceased canine friends and their subsequent transplantation, (by means of staple) on to the faces of all Bogus Asylum Seekers, as well as the faces of our newly arrived Partners from Eastern Europe .

Of course, whilst this may sound a little radical, it would, in one swift blow, immediately remove the dual problem of Migrant/Bogus Asylum Seeker identification, as well as alleviating the sufferings of our treasured and beloved canine friends.

It is true that whilst an individual can change their name and may well adopt the accent of their assumed country, is it not a lot more troublesome to remove the bloodied carapace of a dead dog once it had been firmly stapled onto their own? Consider, if you will, the pandemic of prostitution and sex criminals that have, naturally, followed upon the heels of the recent wave of Eastern European immigration and overwhelming flood of Bogus Asylum Seekers. Now, ask yourself, how appealing the fetid, venal and rank offerings of such vile prostitutes would be when accompanied by the bloodied and ravaged face of a butchered dachshund? Moreover, and in similar fashion, the efforts of our Police Force, (who do an excellent job) would be hugely alleviated by the increased ease with which these natural criminals would be identified. Line Ups, for instance, would be greatly simplified were the guilty party to have been previously fitted with the bloodied, stinking and rotten visage of, say, a Pekinese?

Yes, there are those that will suggest this is a step too far and, yes, there are those that may even accuse me of madness. However, I think you’ll find that your readers, right thinking people everywhere and Christopher Timothy all agree that these steps, whilst bold, have now been forced upon us.

In truth, I can envisage of no other practical alternative to the current situation.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

Mime

 From: SIMON CORDALL  xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 15 October, 2009 2:58:26 PM
Subject: Mime Artist – Query

Dear London International Mime Festival,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

(I think we both know what I’m saying).

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 15 October, 2009 3:02:39 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

er, not exactly, you’ll have to give me a bit more to go on…

Best wishes
Helen
————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

Top of Form

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Friday, 16 October, 2009 5:28:35 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

My apologies.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

… ?

I trust that this clarifies matters.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Friday, 16 October, 2009 5:40:54 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

yes, that’s much clearer.

Best wishes
Helen
————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

Top of Form

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Monday, 19 October, 2009 4:22:10 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Ah ha! I’m just joshing with you, Helen. See? I can even mime by Email.

That’s how keen at Mime I am. Really, I try and do it all the time.In shops, in my flat, everywhere.

I’ve even formed my own mime act. It’s brilliant. You’ll love it. It’s called, ‘The Fantastic Cordallius; Adventures in Mime and Space’. What do you think? Pretty good, isn’t it?

It’s like a normal mime act, but different. Like, what I mean is, you know how other mime acts tend not to talk? Well, I can talk, so I do. I don’t know why others don’t. It’s much easier this way. I mean, it’s hard enough for audiences to know what’s going on as it is. Doesn’t it make sense just to tell them? I meam, really? Look, for instance,”I’ve got a box, which I’ve just climbed out of. Now I am happy”, (make happy face)

Oh yeah. And I’m not like a total pov, or anything, so whilst other mimes have to ‘pretend’ to do stuff like drink glasses of water, which don’t really exist, I mean, what’s the point of that? I can actually afford both a glass and some water, so, really, I just drink one of those. Likewise, I prefer to use real walls and doors to walk through and touch. Sorry, I touch the walls and walk through doors, not the other way round. That wouldn’t make any sense. Unless I was a ghost!

Don’t think I think ghosts exist. I’m not mad.

So, there you go. In my own way, I’m like probably the best mime artist there’s ever been, ever. So, I suppose, what I’m asking is, how does ‘The Fantastic Cordallius; Adventures in Mime and Space’ get on the 2010 festival?

Thanks!

Simon S. Cordall

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Wednesday, 21 October, 2009 12:47:00 PM
Subject: Fw: Mime Artist – Query

Hello?

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Wednesday, 21 October, 2009 1:11:13 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Hi Simon

Sorry for the delay, we’re extremely busy at the moment as the festival starts in 10 weeks.
The line-up was completed some time ago, so we’re starting to look at the programme for 2011.
The first step is for you to send us a clip of the work you want to propose and we’ll take it from there.

Best wishes
Helen
————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Sunday, 25 October, 2009 7:32:03 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Hi there Helen!

There you go. My 2011 London International Mime Festival application: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7WvZCXbgKE

It’s bloody brilliant. No really, it is. Honestly, I bet you’ve never seen miming this good, ever. And you’re, like, the Mime Czars of the whole world and everything!

I guess, if you want me to headline the 2011 Festival, well… I guess, if you really want me to, but, honestly, what about the others? I mean, God knows, they’re screwed either way. I mean, even if I go on first or last, people will be there to just see me, unless….

… No, that’s it. People will just be there to see me. It’s a real head scratcher, isn’t it? Hang on..What if we organised another International Mime Festival? One that just featured me?! Yahoo! That could be the only way to be fair to the other, (lesser) mimes. I don’t know, what do you think? Would that work? Would it?

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall
World’s Greatest Mime

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Wednesday, 28 October, 2009 12:54:15 PM
Subject: Fw: Mime Artist – Query

You’re pretty impressed, aren’t you?

I can tell.

From: SIMON CORDALL xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: xxxx@easynet.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 11:39:36 AM
Subject: Fw: Mime Artist – Query

Err… Hello?

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 1:30:21 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

I’m speechless…

————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 2:44:32 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

It’s OK. That’s a perfectly understandable reaction. Though, I guess, if you’re a mime already, being speechless isn’t all that unusual for you.

So, having viewed my, (awesome) audition film, can I ask if I should be keeping January 2011 free? Can I?

Please?

From: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
To: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 2:48:30 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

Well, I think you should definitely find something else to do in January 2011…

————————————————————–
Helen Lannaghan & Joseph Seelig, Directors
London International Mime Festival
35 Little Russell Street
London WC1A 2HH
ph: 44 (0) 20 7637 5661
Next Festival Wed 13 > Sun 31 Jan 2010
mimefest.co.uk

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: Helen Lannaghan <xxxx@easynet.co.uk>
Sent: Thursday, 29 October, 2009 2:59:56 PM
Subject: Re: Mime Artist – Query

I’m miming ‘disappointment’.

(More) Beauty

acFrom: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: tamara@beautyinprague.com
Sent: Wednesday, 14 October, 2009 4:00:20 PM
Subject: Elective Surgery – Addendum

Dear Beauty in Prague,

I refer to my correspondence of 1st October, ( Elective Surgery – Enquiry) and am disappointed that I have yet to hear from you on this matter.

However, whilst my disappointment over the tardiness of any reply remains acute, I regret that I am, in equal measure, unsurprised by the lack of response on your part. Indeed, after reviewing my previous correspondence, there are a number of areas that, I feel, undermine the value of fitting a Rhino Horn to my forehead as a worthwhile proposition. Chief amongst these, it has to be said, is the lack of practical application, (other than self defence) of fitting a Rhino’s Horn to your head in the manner previously described.

With this in mind, and after a period of grave and solemn reflection, I have chosen to augment my initial request. That is, in addition to my Rhino’s Horn, I would ask your indulgence in giving due considerations to certain other , practical, alterations to my visage? Principally, considerations with reference to the present positioning of my ears. For many years now, my ears have remained stubbornly located on either side of my head. That is, by way of clarification, each individual lobe can be located at, roughly, a ninety degree axis from the point of my nose. In practical terms, this cannot be said to be a satisfactory arrangement. On the contrary, I feel my hearing would be greatly enhanced by giving both my ears what we may term a ‘roaming brief’, as averse to their current, purely stationary, role. That is, rather than their current fixed location, my ears would take on a more portable aspect, thus allowing me to hear in a ‘multi-directional’ manner, gifting me access to all manner of auditory stimuli at all points of the compass.

In achieving the above aim, may I suggest that my current ears be, temporarily, removed and fixed to a length of flexible hose, (I would suggest this be approximately three feet in length). The other end of such hoses being then grafted on to the vacant ear holes to be found lying, naked, on either side of my head. To this arrangement, I would then propose a semi-flexible support arm be affixed, (such as the arm to be found supporting the modern day ‘Angle Poise Lamp’), this would then lend my “Ear Tubes” a degree of rigidity, whilst still allowing them to be positioned at a variety of angles and positions of my choosing according to circumstance.

I understand that, on an initial reading, the above suggestion may appear a little drastic in its scope. However, I feel that these measures are entirely in proportion to the benefits to be gained from repositioning my ears in such a fashion. Whilst examples of the gains to be made from the reconsideration of my ‘lobal geography’ are too numerous to be listed here, I would ask your indulgence in at least giving some thought to the following; When standing at the rear of an educational lecture or, in the case of our young people, perhaps a ‘pop’ concert, the wearer of such surgically augmented ears could position their lobes above the height of the crowd and, in doing so, greatly enhance the benefit of attending such an event.

Similarly, old people, who might experience some discomfort in bending down, could pay avid attention to the cheery ramblings of a small, rosy cheeked, child and their tall tales of ‘scrumping’ for apples, or wild adventures lived out on sun dappled evenings, spent in careless revelry amidst endless fields of rolling hay.

Moreover, and as you no doubt have already surmised, such a procedure would also be of immeasurable benefit to the Police, and other security agencies, in enabling their agents to covertly listen in on the intimate and secretive communications of criminals and other ‘ner do wells’. Perhaps this could best be achieved by positioning an ear around the corner from which an agent was stood, or, perhaps by positioning an ear, surreptitiously, under a park bench on which likely villains might later unsuspectingly seek rest. I don’t know.

Lastly, there is the clear and evident appeal such a proposition would hold for our young people. Modern days ‘hippies’, for instance, could remove their Angle Poised Support Arms and wear their ears loose and flowing, in the same manner that they presently do their hair; thus gaining the immediate admiration and awe of their peer group. Similarly, ‘Teddy Boys’ could use their ears to augment the most ambitious of quiffs, without losing any material loss in the practical advantages of having undergone this procedure.

There are also the advantages of having valves fitted to each Ear Tube, allowing the wearer to set them to the ‘Off’ position.

I am confident that, whilst the above will be of interest to you, there are many areas you still feel might benefit from further discussion. I am, of course, entirely at your disposal in answering any queries you may have over the benefits of such a procedure and, of course, am ready to reassure you over any lingerings doubts you may have over the efficacy of such an alteration.

Best regards and I look forward to hearing from you shortly,

Simon S. Cordall

World Records

An Inspirational Piece of Toast.

Summary Claim Details

You may want to keep a copy of these details for your reference. If any information is incorrect, please use the Previous Button to go back and amend the details.

Claim Title: Longest Time To Remember A Song You Had Forgotten
Country: United Kingdom
City/Town/Village: PRESTON
Date of attempt: 14/ 09/ 2009
Record Details:

Hi there!

How you doing?

I don’t know if you remember me, but I submitted a record claim a few years ago; Longest Time to Get a Joke, (‘where’s the soap’, as opposed to ‘wears the soap’? It wasn’t very good).

You didn’t accept it.

But, don’t worry. I’ve got another. It’s a whopper. You’re going to love it; The Longest Time To Remember A Song That You Had Forgotten. What do you think? Good, isn’t it?

Anyway, here’s the thing; when my mate Ed and I were around six years old, we had a band called The Brats. I know, it sounds like we’d be bloody fantastic but, trust me, we weren’t. Anyway, last week, (on the 14th) I was in the kitchen, I might have been unblocking the sink, though I’ve got a feeling toast was involved somehow. I’m not sure. Look, if it’s really important, let me know and I’ll have a good old think. Anyway, the point is, I started humming a song that Ed and I had written in The Brats! Ah ha! I mean, after a gap of thirty years of not knowing the song at all! That’s pretty amazing, isn’t it? I mean, I bet no one has ever, ever forgotten and then remembered a song after such a lengthy period of time. Well, obviously they haven’t, or I wouldn’t have the World Record for it, would I?

Anyway, I know how important authentication is to you Cats so, the other night, I was in the pub with Ed, and I started to sing the song, and he agreed; that was the song that I’d forgotten that we’d written in The Brats that I’d now remembered and, yes, it probably was The Longest Time To Remember A Song That You Had Forgotten, ever.

So, do I get the record?

Incidentally, if Ed submits a rival record claim, can I just say that, yes, whilst he did remember the song when I sang it, (which, technically, means that he’d forgotten it for two days longer than I had) he only remembered it when I sang it to him, and not independently. So I don’t think that should count. Just to be sure, if you do go with Ed on this, can I still have the record for the Longest Unsupported Act Of Remembering A Song After You’d Forgotten It? Which, I think, is more impressive.

Anyway, there you go. Thirty Years to remember a song I’d forgotten. Can I get the World Record now, please?

Thanks!

Simon

PS: The song was called ‘Thunder and Lightening’. It involved the Battle of Hastings. I’m not sure why.

Media:
This event is not in aid of Charity

If you experience any difficulties using our system, please contact technical support with a detailed description of your problem.

Claim ID: 279253
Membership Number: 246092

Dear Mr Simon Cordall,

Thank you for sending us the details of your recent record attempt for ‘Longest Time To Remember A Song You Had Forgotten’. We are afraid to say that we are unable to accept this as a Guinness World Record.

We receive over 60,000 enquiries a year from which only a small proportion are approved by our experienced researchers to establish new categories. These are not ‘made up’ to suit an individual proposal, but rather ‘evolve’ as a result of international competition in a field, which naturally accommodates superlatives of the sort that we are interested in. We think you will appreciate that we are bound to favour those that reflect the greatest interest.

Guinness World Records has absolute discretion as to which Guinness World Record applications are accepted and our decision is final. Guinness World Records may at its discretion and for whatever reason identify some records as either no longer monitored by Guinness World Records or no longer viable.

As your record application has not been accepted, Guinness World Records is in no way associated with the activity relating to your record proposal and we in no way endorse this activity. If you choose to proceed with this activity then this is will be of your own volition and at your own risk.

Once again thank you for your interest in Guinness World Records.

Yours sincerely,

Aleksandr Vypirailenko
Records Management Team

Ventriloquism

From: SIMON CORDALL <xxxx.xxxx@btinternet.com>
To: ventriloquists@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, 24 August, 2009 5:49:32 PM
Subject: Joining and Stuff!

Hola!

How are you? More importantly, how are you and your marvellous organisation?

Though that’s not to underestimate how important you are.

Anyway, I was looking through your website, (you really need more stuff on there, you know) and I couldn’t see much there for the UK. Which is a shame, because I’m really really keen, and I bet loads of other UK Ventriloquists are just as keen, (though probably not as good).

No, really. I’ve made my own puppet and everything. He’s called Sockie, (I made him out of a sock). I’m still struggling with the whole, ‘speaking without seeing my lips move’ bit, but – when practising in front of a mirror – have got round this by shutting my eyes.

Do lots of other ventriloquists use this technique? I can heartily recommend it. It is both simple, yet highly effective. If you like, you can put it in the latest edition of ‘Distant Voices’, so that other practitioners of the art can benefit. I bet blind people will be really good at it.

We could call it the ‘Cordall Technique’.

Anyway, if you can let me know what your UK operation bit is about, that would be a whopper. Supposing you haven’t really got much going on over here, well, maybe that’s something I could help out with. We could all have meetings at my flat! It would be fantastic! Everyone could bring their puppets, which would actually double the number of people present! Yahoo! … No. Hang on. That would also double the number of biscuits I’d need. No. Don’t worry. If it’s going to make this happen, I’ll bear the cost of the extra biscuits. Somethings must take precedence.

Anyway, there you go.

Simon – and Sockie!

Beauty

A Rhino

I noticed a few physical deficiencies upon and around my person, so decided to contact a highly reputable and distinguished clinic to see if they might help and assist.

From: SIMON CORDALL
To: tamara@beautyinprague.com
Sent: Thursday, 1 October, 2009 1:37:46 PM
Subject: Elective Surgery – Enquiry

Dear Beauty in Prague,

I was greatly hoping that you could assist me with what, I feel, must be a somewhat unique enquiry.

Whilst I do not regard myself as a particularly conceited individual, I think, like a lot of people, my outward appearance greatly influences how others view me and, consequently, perhaps how I in turn view myself. It has to be said, and I don’t think I’m being unduly harsh on myself when I say this, but I am not perhaps the most prepossessing of men. Indeed, in social circumstances, it is often the case that I am entirely overshadowed by my peers and that women, on occasion, appear to be utterly unaware of my presence. To this end, I was sincerely hoping that your professional services might allow me to apply a permanent solution to what has, thus far, been a temporary fix.

For some time now, in an attempt to boost the manly vigour of my outward appearance, I have been gluing a Rhino’s Horn to my forehead. To my mind, and I don’t think I’m alone in this, the sheer, raw masculinity of the Rhino’s Horn imbues upon its wearer something of the earthy, unchecked, muscularity of the Rhino itself.

However, as you can imagine, gluing a Rhino’s Horn to your forehead is not as uncomplicated a proposition as you might first surmise. Weight, for instance, plays a critical role in this, as does the type of glue involved. Thus far, and with the careful application of various industrial adhesives, I have only managed to secure a smaller, 5 inch, Rhino Horn to my forehead with any hope of reliability. In light of this, I have, quite reasonably concluded, that only surgery will allow me to secure a Rhino Horn of sufficient size and grandeur as to suitably impress upon the observer the sheer scale of my rampant masculinity.

After having given the matter a great deal of thought, I have devised two possible surgical solutions to this matter, which I would now ask you to consider. The first would be to screw the base of the Rhino Horn into the front of my skull. The surrounding tissue could then be severed and the loose ‘flaps’ pulled up over the base of the Rhino Horn, thus veiling the join and providing a more natural look to the wearer. Naturally, and I imagine as you have already surmised, the depth of the bone in my forehead would, in turn, provide an equal limit to the depth of screw used and, consequently, the size of Rhino Horn that could be reliably supported in this manner.

However, my second proposal, whilst perhaps a little more invasive, might well secure for us a permanent solution to this conundrum. As I am very sure you are aware, it has long been possible to remove the top of the skull, thus allowing the surgeon access to the brain and its chamber. In the case of securing a Rhino Horn of sufficient size and scale as to make this process worthwhile, allowing access to the brain’s chamber would also free us to insert bolts through the forehead, thus providing us with an infinitely more secure foundation upon which to secure a Rhino’s Horn. Naturally, like all more radical solutions to any problem, this does not come without its disadvantages. For instance, it may be that the bolts might interfere with the functionality of the forward areas of my brain. However, after having conducted some preliminary research into this area – by sitting in a dark room, shutting my eyes, thinking strenuously, and trying to sense where the majority of my thoughts were taking place – I am confident that no significant amount of thinking occurs in this region of my brain. I am, therefore, quite willing to proceed upon this basis.

I sincerely hope that you will not take offence by what I am sure to you are childlike ponderings on this matter or, in any way, regard this as an affront to the technical knowledge, skill, professionalism and creativity of you and your surgical team who, I am sure, are more than capable of devising their own scheme for affixing a Rhino Horn to my forehead. In any event, I thank you for your kind consideration in this matter and look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Best regards,

Simon S. Cordall